


Neptune

by pavlikovskyslittlebird



Category: The Goldfinch (2019), The Goldfinch - Donna Tartt, boreo - Fandom
Genre: Alcohol, Amsterdam, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Boris Pavlikovsky - Freeform, Changelings, Depression, Drinking, Drug Use, Drugs, Gay, Gay Male Character, Gay Sex, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Original Characters - Freeform, Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Self Acceptance, Sex, Sharing a Bed, Sobriety, Stress, The Goldfinch, Theo POV, Travel, Vomiting, post amsterdam, theo decker - Freeform, theo is gay and stressed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:00:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 40,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29051040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pavlikovskyslittlebird/pseuds/pavlikovskyslittlebird
Summary: Post Amsterdam, canon divergent, book and movie references.Theo tries to figure things out while buying back the changelings."I must be a poster child prodigyThread by thread I come apartIf brokenness is a work of artSurely this must be my masterpieceI'm only honest when it rainsIf I time it right, the thunder breaksWhen I open my mouthI wanna tell you but I don't know howI'm only honest when it rainsAn open book, with a torn out pageAnd my inks run outI wanna love you but I don't know how"Neptune-Sleeping at Last
Relationships: Theodore Decker/Boris Pavlikovsky
Comments: 55
Kudos: 63





	1. Come Back when You’re Done

The last week and a half had been a chaotic mix of anxiety, crippling depression, gunshot enhanced tinnitus, vodka, and pills; only made redeemable by the fact that Boris had managed to get The Goldfinch safely returned and save Theo's life by making him vomit, rubbing his back as he shivered on the cold tile floor of the hotel bathroom.

* * *

Theo and Boris were sat in the back seat of Boris' car, Gyuri sat quietly in the driver's seat as they drove down snowy roads out of Amsterdam and towards Boris' flat in Antwerp. Theo had spent the morning throwing up and shaking after Boris had forced some food and coffee into him. He'd finally fallen asleep with his head against Boris' shoulder to the gentle movements of the car.  
Gyuri looked in the rear view mirror and raised his eyebrows at Boris. Boris tilted his head to the side in place of shrugging, an impossibility with Theo asleep on one shoulder and a bandage on the other. Gyuri smirked and looked back at the road as they drove into the city limits.  
Boris nudged Theo slightly when Gyuri pulled the car against the curb in front of the flat.

"Hey. Potter." Boris shrugged his good shoulder.  
"Potter."

Theo groaned and rolled his head back against the car seat.  
  
"We are here, Potter. Come on."  
  
Theo pulled his glasses off his face and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Fuck. I feel awful."  
  
"You look awful." Boris smirked and nudged Theo with his elbow.  
  
"Fuck off." Theo huffed a laugh and slid his glasses back on before following Boris out of the car.  
  
The snow had stopped mid morning and they trudged up the slush covered walkway to the front door. Boris slid a key in the lock and opened the door. Warmth washed over them as they stepped inside and dropped their bags by the door. Boris stepped back out to speak to Gyuri, but Theo moved into the flat, looking around and taking a heavy seat on the brown, leather sofa. The walls were a soft white, mainly bare except one generic landscape photograph that Theo was pretty sure came in the frame surrounding it. A large flat screen TV sat on a console table against the wall, and the coffee table in front of the couch was bare, minus a few water rings and scrapes. It felt like a place to sleep, not a place to live; but Theo supposed that was pretty much the case.  
  
"Potter." Boris clapped his hands together as he walked back inside, pulling the front door shut behind him and knocking Theo from his thoughts.  
  
"Yeah? Sorry." Theo shook his head and then cringed as his head throbbed.  
  
"You look like shit. Lay down. You want tea? Vodka?"  
  
"God, no." Theo's stomach lurched at the thought of adding more alcohol or drugs to his system. "Tea maybe would be okay."  
  
"Tea it is!" Boris gave Theo's shoulder a firm pat as he walked past the couch into the kitchen.  
  
Boris rummaged through the kitchen for a box of tea and tossed it on the counter as he filled the kettle and looked for sugar. He tapped his fingers against the counter as the water came to a boil and poured it over tea bags into large mugs. Boris carried the too-full mugs to the living room, spilling a bit of water on the hardwood and mopping it up with his socks.  
  
"Okay! Tea is here." Boris announced as he set the mugs on the coffee table.  
Boris turned towards the couch and let out a soft laugh at the sight of Theo passed out against the cushions.  
Boris lifted Theo's feet and sat down on the couch, letting his legs drape over his lap. He pulled a blanket off the back of the couch and tossed it over Theo before reaching for his tea. He sipped the boiling, sweet and smokey tea and pulled his phone from his pocket. He sent off a few texts to Gyuri and Miriam and set his mug on the wood before settling into the cushions. It took him a grand total of three minutes to fall asleep, his head resting against the back of the couch, snoring softly.  
  
When Boris woke up, the flat was dark. Theo was still asleep with his legs over his lap. The sun had gone down, and Boris watched the snow fall heavy in the glow of a street light for a few minutes before carefully moving Theo's legs and pushing himself off the couch. He slipped off his jacket and tossed it over the back of a kitchen chair as he checked the time. Just after eight p.m.  
Boris looked through the cabinets for a bottle of vodka and hopefully something he could heat up for himself and Theo. Gyuri had promised to drop by with groceries tomorrow, but tonight they'd have to settle for canned lentil soup. He poured himself a shot of vodka and filled a large glass with tap water for Theo. Once soup was cooking in a pot on the stove, Boris grabbed the water and a half empty bottle of aspirin and walked back to the couch. He set them down on the table and crouched down beside Theo.  
  
"Potter." He whispered and shook Theo's shoulder gently.  
"Hey. You want food? Should drink some water maybe?"  
  
Theo groaned and rolled over to face the back of the couch, his voice muffled against the fabric.  
"Fuck off. I'm sleeping."  
  
"Am sleeping." Boris mocked and rolled his eyes.  
"I know you are sleeping, I can see. But you need to eat. Drink water. So you do not die on my couch. Already saved your life once today."  
He whispered the last part but shook Theo's shoulder again a bit rougher.  
  
Theo's face flushed and he sighed before rolling over to glare at Boris. "Fine."  
He pushed himself to sit up and dumped three aspirin into the palm of his hand before downing them with a sip of water and finishing the glass when he realized how thirsty he was.  
  
"I am making soup." Boris sat down on the sofa beside Theo, leaning back casually.  
  
"Okay." Theo rubbed his face. "Thank you."  
  
"You are welcome."  
  
Theo turned towards Boris and sighed. "Seriously. Thank you. For, uh, everything today. You know."  
  
"I do know."  
  
"Right."  
  
"Always there for you, Potter." Boris put his hand on Theo's thigh reassuringly.  
  
Theo nodded and bit at his chapped lips. He looked up and frowned. "You said you're making soup?"  
  
"Блядь!" Boris shoved off the couch and ran to the kitchen to stir the soup that had started to scald to the bottom of the pot.  
  
Theo chuckled as he stood from the couch and walked into the kitchen. "Smells good."  
  
"Fuck off." Boris laughed and kicked at Theo's shin as he moved the pot from the stove.  
  
He poured the soup into bowls and they sat at the tiny dining table that sat against the wall. Theo looked out the window at the snow falling as they ate. He only managed a few bites before feeling nauseous and let Boris finish his soup. They talked at the kitchen table for another hour until Theo was practically falling asleep, dumped their bowls in the sink, and Boris led Theo down the hall towards the bathroom.  
  
"Bathroom is here. You can sleep in bedroom."  
  
"I'm not taking your room, Boris."  
  
"да, you are."  
  
Theo rolled his eyes and sniffled. "I'm fine on the couch."  
  
"What kind of host would I be if I let sick guest sleep on couch, huh?"  
  
Theo glared at him and shrugged. "Fine."  
He turned and locked himself in the bathroom, catching a glimpse of Boris' satisfied smirk as he shut the door.  
Theo leaned against the sink, his head throbbing and whole body achy, shivers threatening to overtake him. He splashed cold water on his sweaty face and cupped his hands under the faucet to drink some water before he realized he didn't have a tooth brush.  
  
"Extra toothbrushes is under sink." Boris called out as if he'd read his mind, rapping his knuckles against the door.  
  
Theo dug around under the sink through a mess of brand new tooth brushes, toothpaste, deodorants, condoms, and at least half a year's supply of toilet paper. He snagged a blue tooth brush and a travel size tube of toothpaste and brushed the lingering mix of sick and lentil soup from his mouth. He looked at himself in the mirror again before unlocking the door. He looked like shit; dark circles under his eyes, chapped lips, a week's worth of patchy facial hair, and he was painfully pale aside from the feverish rouge that tinted his cheeks. He sniffled again and pulled the door open. He walked down the hall to the bedroom to find Boris throwing extra blankets on top of the comforter.  
  
"It's not that cold in here." Theo mumbled as he sat on the edge of the bed and tugged off his socks.  
  
"No. Is not that cold. But you are sick. Probably have fever, so best so sweat it all out."  
  
Theo grimaced. "I don't want to sleep in a bundle of sweat."  
  
"Is to help with fever. And take a hot, hot bath tomorrow too."  
  
"How do you even know this?"  
  
"Have been sick before, Potter. No?"  
  
"Mm. Seriously."  
  
Boris chuckled. "Okay fine. Told Miriam you are sick, she said to sweat fever out. Is best way."  
  
"Right." Theo was pretty sure he remembered his mother telling him something similar any time he had a fever when he was a child, although since her death he had basically been knocking sickness out with rounds of pills and vodka, toughing through the days and spending nights on the bathroom floor.  
"Well, tell her thanks I guess."  
  
"Of course. Will tell her tomorrow how magic her advice works. Now get in."  
Boris pulled the covers down and motioned for Theo to climb into bed.  
Theo rolled his eyes but climbed under the covers. Fuck it felt good to lay down in a comfortable bed that he was (pretty sure) he wasn't going to die in even though he felt horrific. Boris pulled the covers up and put the back of his hand against Theo's forehead.  
  
"What the mother fuck are you doing?" Theo grumbled, pulling his head away.  
  
"Stay still, глупый. Checking for fever." Boris reached out his hand again and pressed it to Theo's clammy skin.  
"Very warm. Stay under covers, Potter."  
  
"Yes sir." Theo rolled his eyes but pulled the covers up higher under his chin.  
  
"Sir?" Boris raised his eyebrows and smirked. "Could get used to that."  
  
"Fuck off. I'm trying to sleep here." Theo rolled over to avoid looking at Boris' smug face.  
  
"Uh huh. Alright. Night, Potter. Water and aspirin is in bathroom. I will be on couch if you need anything."  
  
Theo didn't reply, he just pulled the covers up higher and rolled over.  
Boris turned off the bedroom light and stood leaning against the door frame for a minute, watching Theo get comfortable with a fond smile.  
"Goodnight, Potter." he whispered before pulling the door closed and heading back down the hall towards the living room.

* * *

It took another two days of fever, chills, sporadic vomiting, hours of sleep, and half a bottle of aspirin for Theo to feel mostly normal again. He and Boris had spent the day on the couch watching old movies and throwing popcorn into each other's mouths, ending up with at least half of it covering the couch cushions. They sat together on the couch as the sun set, passing a joint back and forth and taking occasional swigs of the bottle of vodka on the table.  
  
"So glad you are feeling better, Potter. Worried I would have to nurse you forever."  
  
"Fuck off." Theo snorted and took another long drag of the joint.  
  
Boris grinned and took the joint back, sucking one last drag from it before putting it out on the plate they'd set on the coffee table.  
  
After dinner, Theo and Boris were sat at the tiny kitchen table, passing the bottle of vodka back and forth and talking into the night as the snow fell heavier out the window. They were both verging on shit-faced drunk when Theo asked.  
  
"Are you really married?" He nodded towards Boris' left hand, devoid of any wedding band.  
  
Boris chuckled and took another sip. "Are you really engaged to snowflake?"  
  
"Oh fuck off. Come on, Boris."  
  
Boris leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms as he watched Theo chug another sip of vodka. "Am not married--legally anyway."  
  
"What does that even mean?"  
  
"Astrid. Not legally my wife, but we are 'married' when is convenient for both of us." Boris said as if that cleared everything up.  
  
"Still not following."  
  
"Not that hard, Potter. She is wife when we have to travel inspiciously."  
  
"Inconspicuously?"  
  
"Yes! Not suspicious, no? Cute couple, beautiful blonde wife, family with kids. No worry here, just family vacation."  
  
"Huh." Theo tapped his fingers against the bottle.  
  
"See? Not legally, but married when is beneficial to be."  
  
Theo didn't reply; he just took another sip of vodka and nodded, keeping his eyes on Boris' hand. His mind wandered briefly to Kitsey; whether or not she might be with Tom right now. What time even was it in New York? Were they in bed together, or waking up together? Did he really care? No, not particularly, he figured.  
  
"Potter?"  
  
"Huh?" Theo shook his head from his thoughts, a wave of dizziness washing over him.  
  
"You are alright?"  
  
"Yeah, fine."  
  
"You are drunk. V gavno."   
  
"Am--" he hiccuped. "I'm not shit-faced."  
  
"Okay." Boris laughed and stood up from the table. "Come on."  
  
"Where?"  
  
"Bed."  
  
Theo stumbled down the hall after Boris towards the bedroom. He stripped his clothes off down to his boxers and climbed under the covers. Boris stood at the end of the bed and pulled his own clothes off. He flicked the light off and moved to the other side of the bed.  
  
"What are you doing?" Theo slurred slightly.  
  
"Going to bed? Is okay? Like old times, yes?"  
  
_Not exactly like old times._ Theo shrugged and Boris climbed in beside him. He kept a few inches of room between them as they laid on their backs in the dark. Theo could feel the warmth radiating from Boris. He rolled onto his side with his back facing Boris. Drunken thoughts of Boris' warmth swirling in his brain. He stiffened slightly when he felt Boris wrap his arm around his waist.  
  
"Is okay?" Boris whispered, breath hot against Theo's bare skin.  
  
"Yeah." Theo nodded, relaxing his shoulders.  
He tried to control his heartbeat while he focused on the heat of Boris' breath washing over his skin. He froze when hot breath turned to contact and Boris' soft lips were pressed under his shoulder blade.  
"Boris--"  
  
"Is still okay? I will stop." Boris whispered against Theo's back and pulled back slightly.  
  
"No, don't--"  
  
"Okay." Boris leaned back in and pressed his lips to Theo's back again and worked up to his shoulders, kissing where his shoulder met his neck.  
  
"Fuck." Theo swallowed hard and rolled over to face Boris.  
  
"Okay, Potter?"  
  
Theo nodded, vodka and marijuana tingling in his veins and in his brain as he leaned in and pressed his lips to Boris'. Boris didn't kiss back right away, letting Theo lead and make sure he was comfortable before kissing back with matched enthusiasm, letting their lips part and tongues move together. Boris continued to let Theo lead as their touching progressed. They had only drank and smoked, Theo much more than him, but Boris was pretty sure Theo would still remember this in the morning. His mind went back to all of those nights that Theo didn't remember, or claimed he didn't remember, the next morning. Nights that meant everything to him in Vegas.  
  
"Boris?" Theo whispered breathily against his chest as he sucked on the skin by his nipple.  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"You alright?"  
  
"Was just thinking. I'm good."  
  
"Okay." Theo started kissing his chest again and Boris let himself relax into the moment.  
  
The only sounds in the bedroom were their heavy breathing and gasps of each other's names as they slid back into a Vegas daydream, hands on each other, rough moans, but softer, more experienced touches. Boris held himself above Theo like he'd done dozens of times before and brushed his hair off his forehead and leaned down to kiss him. Boris admired Theo's face carefully as they moved together and watched as Theo reached out and let his finger tips brush against the bandage on his shoulder.  
  
Boris--" Theo's heavy breath brushed against his skin.  
  
"Potter--"

* * *

The air in the bedroom was hot and sex heavy as they laid on their backs beside each other on top of the covers. The sides of their thighs pressed together and Theo rested his feet over Boris' at the end of the bed. Boris grabbed a joint off the nightstand and lit it, taking a drag and passing it to Theo.  
  
"Thanks." Theo took a long drag, letting the smoke sit in his lungs before exhaling.  
"Boris?"  
  
"Hm?" Boris hummed as he took the joint back and sucked a drag.  
  
"Were you serious?"  
  
"When?" Boris blew the smoke out and passed the joint back.  
  
"At the bar. In New York. That I'm the only man you've been in bed with."  
  
Boris took the joint back and took a long drag, holding it longer than necessary before breathing out the smoke with a small cough.  
  
"Boris?"  
  
"Potter."  
  
"Were you serious?"  
  
"по большей части." Boris mumbled and handed the joint back.  
  
"Boris.."  
  
"Mostly."  
  
"Mostly?" Theo pushed himself to lean on his elbow.  
  
Boris sighed and pushed himself to sit up as well. "Only man I have cared about-- while in bed."  
  
Theo looked at him in a mix of shock and anger. "How many?"  
  
"How many what?"  
  
"Seriously?"  
  
"A few."  
  
"How many?"  
  
"Боже мой, Potter. Why the fuck does it matter?"  
  
"Because you said I was the only one?"  
  
"And you are so in love with me that that matters?"  
  
"Fuck you." Theo turned his back to Boris and laid back down, closing his eyes tight.  
  
"Potter.." Boris reached his hand out to set on Theo's shoulder.  
  
"Don't fucking touch me." Boris sighed and took his hand back.  
  
"Had not seen you in eight years. I-- you did not make big deal of things in Vegas. Thought would not be a big deal."  
  
"It's only a big deal because you fucking lied."  
  
Boris frowned. "Four.."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Four. Uhm, other men."  
  
Theo sat up and looked at Boris again. "When the fuck did 'only one' start meaning one of five?"  
  
"Potter, come on. Is not big deal. You are only one I cared about like that."  
  
"I didn't even know you were gay." Theo mentally slapped himself, not fucking important, and not what he originally wanted to say.  
  
"Am not gay. Women are good too, yes? Am interested in both."  
  
"Why the fuck would you say I'm the only one then?"  
  
"Why is so important? You are so worked up."  
  
Theo groaned and pushed himself to sit on the edge of the bed. "Forget it."  
  
"No." Boris grabbed his wrist. "Potter. Come on, where are you going?"  
  
Theo pulled his wrist back and grabbed one of the blankets that had been discarded on the floor the previous day when his fever broke. "Couch."  
  
"But--"  
  
"Just shut up, Boris. Please.." Theo pulled the blanket over his shoulder and walked out of the bedroom.  
  
Boris frowned as he watched Theo leave the room and flopped back on the mattress in exasperation.  
  
Theo laid on his back on the couch in the dark. His feet hung slightly off the end while he was stretched out, toes sticking out from under the too-small blanket. _Stupid, so fucking stupid._ _It's been eight years. Who the fuck cares if Boris slept with other people. It'd be weirder if he hadn't._  
The only thing Theo couldn't get out of his mind was that Boris had told him he was the only man he'd been in bed with. Something they had in common. Theo figured it would stay that way. That it was just something they did when they were drunk or fucked up and it didn't matter that they had wives or fiances or girlfriends, and no one needed to know except them. Except now Boris had slept with other men. He was comfortably-- what? Bisexual?  
_You were the only one I cared about like that._  
What was Theo supposed to do with that? Stupid. Stupid Boris, stupid other men, stupid Kitsey and Tom Cable, and mostly stupid himself for being so upset. Why was he even so upset? He wasn't upset that Kitsey was sleeping with Tom while they were together. He and Boris weren't even together. He didn't even know how to be "together" with another man.  
  
Theo laid awake all night, still staring at the ceiling as the sun started to cast light on the walls. He thought he'd heard Boris walking down the hall a few times throughout the night, but he hadn't come into the living room. Theo sat up on the edge of the couch and put his face in his hands.  
  
"Morning."  
  
Theo looked up to see Boris walking through the living room towards the kitchen, only in a pair of weirdly domestic looking red flannel pajama bottoms.  
"Morning."  
  
"Did you sleep?"  
  
"No."  
  
Boris frowned, his back to Theo as he rummaged through a cabinet for tea. "Sorry. Tea?"  
  
"No thanks."  
  
"Coffee?"  
  
"I'm fine, Boris."  
  
"Am just trying to offer. Breakfast maybe?"  
  
"I'm good." Theo pushed himself off the couch. "I think I'm just gonna start packing."  
  
"You are leaving?" Boris turned quickly to face Theo, knocking the box of tea bags off the counter.  
  
"Yeah. I should go. I've gotta fix some stuff back home."  
  
"Home?"  
  
"Yeah. My home. In New York." Theo sighed and grabbed his tee shirt off the back of the couch and pulled it on.  
"I just left. Hobie probably thinks I fucked him over and ran. And Kitsey-- I've gotta fix things."  
  
"When are you leaving?"  
  
"Was gonna look for a red eye flight."  
  
"Tonight?" Boris' eyes widened and he frowned.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Okay."  
  
Theo frowned and looked down at the pants he was shoving in his suitcase. Did he really expect Boris to ask him to stay? Kind of.  
He moved around the flat grabbing all of his things and shoved them in his suitcase. Boris had made himself tea and sat at the dining table. He hadn't moved while Theo packed; just sipping on his tea and lighting a cigarette, blowing the smoke out the cracked window into the winter air.  
Theo walked into the kitchen and sat in the chair in front of Boris.  
  
"I can drive you to the airport?" Boris asked, dropping his cigarette butt into his mug.  
  
"You don't have to. I can get a cab or something."  
  
"I want to."  
  
Theo grabbed the pack of cigarettes off the table and tapped it against his palm before taking one out and lighting it. "Then sure."  
  
"Potter?"  
  
"Hm?"  
  
Theo blew smoke out the window.  
  
"You are mad at me?"  
  
"No."  
  
"You are lying."  
  
"I'm not fucking--" he took a deep breath.  
"I'm not mad at you, Boris. I just need to go back to New York."  
  
"To marry snowflake?"  
  
"Fuck you."  
  
"What? You are engaged? чушь собачья"  
  
Theo frowned and dropped his cigarette butt in Boris' mug as well. "Yeah well. I said I've got shit to fix."  
  
"You will break it off then?"  
  
"I don't know Boris. Why the fuck do you care?"  
  
Boris stood from the table, grabbing the mug and practically dropping it in the sink.  
"Do not care. Just want you to be happy."  
  
Theo snorted and shoved back from the table. He stuck his suitcase by the door and sat on the couch.  
  
"Can I borrow your phone?" he asked when Boris sat down beside him.  
He took his phone from his pocket and unlocked it, handing it to Theo without a word.  
  
"Thanks." Theo pulled up the internet and started searching for flights for later that night.  
He found one set to leave at 10:45 and booked it.  
Boris watched him with a deep frown on his face the whole time.  
Theo handed Boris his phone back. "Thanks."  
  
"Mhm." He tucked it back in his pocket.  
"You want to go out today? Or sit in house again?"  
  
"Out I guess."  
  
Boris stood from the couch and walked to the bedroom to get dressed. They spent the day walking through town, popping into coffee shops to warm up and leaning against buildings to smoke cigarettes. They stopped in a wireless shop to get Theo a new phone since he'd fried his old one in the hotel outlets. The awkward tension between them had faded by the time they'd devoured a lunch of Polish sausage, potatoes, and vodka.  
They got back to Boris' flat around six p.m. and shared a joint. Around eight, Theo sighed and stood up from his spot on the couch.  
  
"We should probably go soon I guess."  
  
"Right." Boris nodded and stood.  
  
Boris grabbed Theo's wrist as he started to walk towards the hall. "Wait-- Potter?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"You will come back, правильный?"  
  
"Boris--"  
  
"You will come back? Come back. You could work for me? We could share flat? Or you get your own maybe."  
  
"Boris, I live--"  
  
"In New York, I know! Is home. But, maybe home could be here too?"  
  
Theo frowned and shrugged. "I don't know."  
  
Boris looked at Theo for a moment before reaching out and cupping his cheeks, leaning in and pressing their lips together quickly.  
  
"Boris!" Theo pulled back. "What the mother fuck?"  
  
"Was just checking."  
Boris frowned and walked past Theo, down the hall and into the bedroom, pulling the door shut behind him.  
  
Theo grumbled and walked into the bathroom, locking the door. He looked at himself in the mirror. His cheeks were flushed and his eye slightly dilated.  
"Fuck."  
  
Boris knocked on the door. "Gotta leave, Potter."  
  
"Ye-- Coming." his voice cracked and he cleared his throat before stepping back into the hall.  
  
Boris was waiting for him in the living room, coat and boots already on.  
Theo walked past him and pulled on his own coat and boots before following Boris outside. Boris locked the door behind them and unlocked the car, walking right to the driver's side.  
They'd been driving for five minutes before Theo finally broke the silence.  
  
"Look, Boris-- I just, I don't know how to do this."  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"Be with you--"  
  
Boris huffed an annoyed breath.  
  
"No, I mean like... Fuck. I mean like being with men, in general. I don't-- I'm not gay, Boris."  
  
"Could fool me."  
  
"Fuck you. That's just-- it's just something we do when we're fucked up."  
  
"Why you were so upset about me being with other men then?"  
  
"...I'm not gay, Boris."  
  
"Did not say you were."  
  
Theo rubbed his hands down his face. "I'm just.. fuck I'm just trying to say--"  
  
"Is fine, Potter. Do not have to explain."  
  
"I just-- I can only.."  
  
"Only want me when you are drunk? Only love me when you are fucked up?" Boris muttered under his breath.  
  
Theo swallowed hard and stayed silent the rest of the ride.  
Boris pulled the car against the curb at passenger drop off and they sat in silence for a minute.  
  
"Okay." Theo sighed. "I guess I'll see you around."  
He unbuckled his seat belt and reached for the door handle before Boris caught his hand.  
He turned and looked Boris in the eye, he looked like he wanted to kiss or punch him.  
  
"Give me your phone."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Your phone, Potter. Give me."  
  
Theo frowned and handed Boris his phone. He watched as Boris opened a new contact and put a number in, leaving the name empty.  
  
"Is my personal number." He handed the phone back to Theo.  
  
"Oh. Thanks." Theo looked at the number with the empty contact name.  
  
"Mhm. Okay. Well, safe flight Potter." he turned and looked straight ahead.  
  
"Boris.."  
  
"да?"  
  
Theo debated for a second before leaning over and wrapping an arm around Boris' shoulder. "Thank you."  
  
Boris nodded and sat still.  
  
"For saving my life. And letting me stay with you."  
  
"Is not a problem. You can stay always."  
  
Theo pulled his arm back and nodded. He grabbed his bag from where it sat at his feet.  
"Okay."  
  
"Come back да? When you are done with all the fixing?"  
  
"Okay." Theo nodded and gave him a half smile before reaching for the door handle.  
He had the door half open before he felt Boris lean over and wrapped his arm around his middle.  
  
"Safe flight, Potter. Will miss you."  
  
Theo smiled and leaned back to hug him better. "I'll miss you too. See you around."  
  
"See you." Boris watched as Theo got out of the car and shut the door. He turned around and gave Boris a small wave before turning back towards the airport and walking inside.  
Boris watched until he couldn't see Theo's retreating figure anymore and whispered. "я люблю тебя."  
He put the car in drive and headed back out of the city.


	2. Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theo starts to fix things  
> Hobie gets a visitor  
> An interlude to big life events

Theo had been back in New York for a week, and he'd been surprisingly quick to start 'fixing' things. His first full day back, Theo had sat down with Kitsey and broken off the engagement. He'd apologized for essentially ditching her at their engagement party and not calling. The way she reacted, Theo figured that Mrs. Barbour would take the news of their breakup worse than Kitsey did. He wished her luck with Tom, and she wished him luck with " _whatever you end up doing_ " and requested they stay in touch.   
Theo had had a long talk with Hobie as well. He'd been a bit more sincere with that apology, ready to get on his knees and beg for forgiveness. Which was completely unnecessary because Hobie wasn't even mad; just worried, confused, maybe a bit hurt that Theo had lied to him? But Theo had still felt awful. He apologized all afternoon until Hobie told him to stop, and promised to buy back all of the changelings. His bit of the reward money for the return of The Goldfinch was safely in his bank account, and by the end of his week at home, Theo already had a ticket booked to North Carolina to go buy back the first piece. 

The night before his flight to North Carolina, Theo and Hobie sat at the kitchen table long after they'd finished dinner, talking and sipping strong black tea.

"Did you have a good time at Boris' place in Antwerp? Haven't mentioned it much since you got back." Hobie asked.

"Erm.." Theo hesitated and set his mug down. "Yeah. It was a good time. Didn't do much. I had a bit of a cold the first few days. We mostly just watched movies."

Hobie smiled. "Sounds like a good time. He's a character, I'll tell you that much. But I like him. Think he'll visit again?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"I'm sure he'd like to see Popchik before he goes. They seemed close during his last visit." 

Theo gently nudged his toes against the sleeping dog at his feet. "Yeah.. I think Popchik likes him more than me."

Hobie laughed and stood up to refill their hot water. 

Theo grabbed his phone off the table and snapped a photo of Popchik and opened a text to Boris' personal number, still a nameless contact. He turned his phone off without sending it.  
He stood up as Hobie sat back down. 

"I should go to bed... early flight."

"Of course." Hobie handed Theo a mug to take to his room.   
"It was good to see you and catch up, Theo."

"Yeah, it was." Theo gave him a rough smile.   
"I'll say goodbye before I go tomorrow."

"Alright. Goodnight."

"Night Hobie." Theo took the mug and headed towards the back of the apartment towards his bedroom.  
Popchyk stretched off the kitchen floor and followed him a moment later. 

Theo shut the door behind him once Popper was inside and sat down on his bed. He pulled up his contact list and looked at the unnamed number again.   
He typed Boris' name into the contact spot and turned his phone off, tossing it on the bed.   
Boris had essentially put the ball in his court to call him if he wanted to see him.   
Theo flopped onto his back on the bed and turned his head to look at the dresser. A tiny red flake tin sat in the top drawer. He knew that there were exactly seven pills left in it because there had been that many before Amsterdam. He'd managed to stick to alcohol and weed since he'd been back, but the idea of traveling alone and having to admit what he'd done and buy back the not-so-original pieces that Hobie created made him horrednously anxious.   
He stood from his bed and pulled the drawer open, setting the tin on top of the dresser and opening it. He pulled out one pill and closed the tin, crushing it on the top of the tin with the bottom of a glass candle. He made two neat lines with his debit card and took a step back.   
He hadn't actually done anything since his overdose in Amsterdam, and he had a flight in--- seven hours. 

"Fuck." Theo grabbed the tin and took it to the bathroom. He used his debit card to wipe the lines off the container and into the toilet.  
He left the tin with the rest of the pills back in the top drawer of the dresser before grabbing the comforter off his bed and wrapping it around his shoulders. He turned off the bedroom light and sat in the armchair by the window. The moon was full and bright and suddenly it was Boris' voice in his head, _Badr is moon, it means something like moon of faithfulness, but they said "Boris, you are badr because you light everywhere._ He hadn't heard Boris talk about his given Arabic name since they were kids, but the idea of it had stuck with him since. Badr... Boris... the moon. Same everywhere you go.   
He spent the next hour or two staring out at the city and at the moon until he fell into a restless sleep in the arm chair, only an hour before his alarm woke him.

* * *

Theo had been traveling around the East Coast of the U.S. and Canada for the last four months buying back changelings. He'd popped back to New York between trips if it made sense, but he'd mainly been spending way too much time on airplanes and in dark hotel rooms. He had, without fail, gotten incredibly drunk every night since he started traveling again.   
One night in Savannah Georgia, he'd decided it was a good idea in his anxious depressive state to crush and snort the one pill he'd brought with him.  
He ended up flat on his back and throwing up for the next twelve hours and had to reschedule his meeting with the older southern woman who had purchased a "Queen Anne" vanity from him. She'd been more than understanding of his "small cold", offering Theo sweet tea and hard strawberry candies when he arrived at her massive estate. She'd been a little less understanding about the vanity; annoyed that she's been bragging to her friends about a fake. In the end, she accepted the offer to buy the piece back, assuming Theo would help her find a genuine vanity to replace it.   
In the guilt ridden mindset of righting wrongs, Theo stayed nearly another two weeks in Georgia until he found her a new vanity, and then vowed to never go back to Georgia unless he absolutely had to.   
He got on a plane the next morning to Chicago, fighting the urge to find a dealer when he landed in the city.

* * *

"Boris! Good to see you again."

"Mr. Hobie! Is good to be here again. To see you too. Thank you for letting me come by."

"Of course, come in."

Boris slipped into the apartment behind Hobie and pulled the door shut. He had gotten Hobie's phone number when he'd seen him at Theo's engagement party. He still didn't have Theo's new phone number because he hadn't texted him, so Boris had texted Hobie that he was in New York for business. 

"So what brings you all the way to New York?" Hobie asked. "It's a shame Theo is out when you're here, I'm sure he would have liked to see you."

Boris shrugged. If Theo wanted to see him, he would have texted. "Just business, you know. Travel here and there."

"Of course." Hobie pulled a seat out for Boris at the kitchen table and moved to the counter to put on the kettle for tea. 

The sound of tiny paws scampering on the hardwood had Boris' eyes widening. "Is that?? It is!"  
Boris stood from the table and practically dropped to the floor to hug the little white dog. "Popchik! My sweetheart! My love! Yes, how I have missed you."

Hobie laughed as Popchik jumped on Boris' legs and licked his face excitedly. "He sure is fond of you."

"And I of him. You are getting so old my little poustyshka." Boris pet Popchik's face fondly, giving him kisses before pulling him into his lap as he sat back down at the table with Hobie.

"He is." Hobie nodded and set a mug of tea on the table in front of Boris.   
"Glad you get to see him again."

Boris frowned slightly and nodded, pressing a kiss to Popper's head. "Thank you for the tea, Mr. Hobie."  
Boris took a sip. "Is fantastic."

Hobie smiled and leaned his arms on the table. "So how long are you in the city? Theo should be back in three days if you're sticking around that long."

Boris took another sip. "Ah. Is unfortunate. Am leaving dark and early tomorrow."

"Well next time you're here on business, you're always welcome here."

"Thank you Mr. Hobie. Is always nice to have second place that is feeling like home." 

Boris and Hobie talked at the kitchen table for another hour and a half, Boris carefully avoiding the topic of Theo's last visit to Antwerp and the prospect of him visiting again in the future. Hobie offered for Boris to stay for dinner, but he declined, stating he had a business dinner to attend.   
Boris took a picture of Popchik on his phone before he shook Hobie's hand and promised to come back next time he was in the city. 

Then Boris gave Popchik a kiss and pulled the collar of his coat up and stepped back out on to the street and slipped into the backseat of the car that was waiting for him. 

* * *

Popchik passed two months later when Theo was in Maine. Hobie sent a text to him and one to Boris to let them know, and Theo flew home the next day.

Theo hadn't said much after Hobie told him of Boris' visit. He was a little hurt that Boris had gone when he wasn't there, but he figured it was his own fault for not reaching out to him in the last six months. He was glad Boris at least got to see Popchik again, even if he didn't want to see him. 

After Popchik's death, Theo went back to New York for a month before he was to head to Europe to buy back the few pieces that had made it overseas. He had to go to London, Frankfurt, Spain, and then one quick stop in Osaka, before flying back to the states and tackling the west coast for the last few pieces.   
His month back in New York was uncomfortably quiet with Popchik gone. Hobie was strangely quiet and spent from sun up to sun down downstairs in the workshop. Theo helped him occasionally, but he felt like he was just taking up space instead of being helpful, so he'd usually end up walking around the Village or smoking on the front steps until Hobie came up for dinner.   
He'd basically stopped doing anything other than smoking weed and drinking (both of which he'd been doing more of to make up for it) since the night in Georgia that had knocked him on his ass and left him sick for hours.   
The night before he left for London, Theo sat on the front step til midnight, chain smoking a pack of cigarettes and typing and deleting (and retyping and deleting) messages to Boris. 

In every state he visited, excluding being back in New York, Theo had gone out at least one night to a bar. He'd start slow with the drinks and try to find a woman that he promised himself he'd talk to by the time he reached the bottom of the glass. He wasn't entirely sure what the point of these ventures were; maybe convincing himself he was more than capable of talking to women, that he was attracted to them even if they didn't share trauma or childhood connection with him, that he didn't need Boris in any way more than a friend? It didn't really matter because he only managed once.  
A beautiful woman with sparkly green eyes, black curly hair, and a smattering of freckles on her cheeks. By the time Theo had managed some words that sounded less like friendly conversation and more like flirting, her girlfriend had joined them at the bar and left Theo floundering awkwardly to end the conversation.   
More than once, he'd had men come up to him at the bar; offering to buy him drinks. He declined (no matter how attractive he found them) until his last night before returning to New York. He wasn't sure what changed that night, maybe because the man's Slavic accent was strangely comforting, but even then he'd panicked when the conversation turned too personal and stepped outside for a cigarette and never came back.

Theo stayed on the front step until he'd finished the pack around one a.m. The moon was bright overhead, and he typed out one last message to Boris. 

**I'm coming to Europe tomorrow.**

He deleted it and dropped the last cigarette butt on the ground, stamping it out and internally cursed himself for being ridiculous before heading back inside. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an interlude chapter, filling in some gaps before Theo really starts his journey.


	3. All Too Much: the Europe chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theo is in Europe. 
> 
> ||"Ready?"
> 
> Theo nodded and picked up one of the shot glasses.||
> 
> Theo drinks too much, regrets some things, realizes some others.

Buying back the changeling in London had been the least enjoyable interaction so far. The woman who had bought the desk was more than willing to let Theo buy it back, but she was insistent that he stay for dinner, which led to two hours of inappropriate flirting and arm touching on her end and extreme discomfort on Theo's. He declined a nightcap and dipped out before she could lure him into staying the night.  
Theo went back to his hotel room feeling ill and in desperate need of alcohol. He raided the minibar in his room and drank the half dozen vodka shooters as well as a tiny bottle of wine that did not mix with the vodka and left him more emotional and disgusted with himself than before.   
He barely slept that night, his stomach reeling from the mix of alcohol and anxiety, and a nightmare that had him bolting upright and stumbling to the bathroom to vomit, his chest heaving, and the sight of Boris' blood on his hands not fading no matter how many times he blinked. 

* * *

Theo left for Frankfurt the next day. He was decidedly sick of airports and planes and planned to take the train to his European stops. The train from London to Frankfurt had a few stops and took longer, but it was considerably worth it if Theo didn't have to step foot in an airport for another couple weeks. When he arrived at his hotel in Frankfurt, Theo dropped his bags in his room and sat downstairs at the hotel bar for hours.   
He had two days until he had a meeting to buy back the piece, and he spent every minute of those two days as not-sober as possible.   
Buying back the chest-on-chest was easy enough. Aside from that fact that he didn't speak German and he took at least two wrong turns on the way to Mr. Müller's house, the actual buy back was less painful than most.   
  
It was only mid afternoon by the time Theo arrived back at his hotel. He had a few hours to waste before it was even worth trying to go out to a bar. He dressed down to only boxers and laid down on the soft hotel bed and let his mind wander.   
  
By car, he was only about four hours from Antwerp. He could text Boris and let him know he was close. _Boris probably isn't even in Antwerp, it would be a waste of time._   
For all Theo knew, Boris could be back in New York again, or Argentina, or some other random country that was far, far away from Theo's current location.   
Theo's thoughts stayed on Boris for awhile; wondering what he'd even be doing in Argentina or Italy, or wherever. Then back to his time with Boris at his flat in Antwerp.   
Even with his shoulder bandaged from a gunshot wound, Boris had made sure Theo was comfortable first and foremost.   
_How weird_. Theo thought back to Vegas when Boris had taken care of him then. Pulling him out of the water when he'd sat too long at the bottom of the pool, rubbing his back when he would throw up after too many pills and sips of vodka. How Boris would rub his back and hold him close when he woke from a nightmare.  
In the last few months, his nightmares were less about his mother and the museum, and mainly filled with crystal clear images of Boris getting shot, over and over. Half the time he'd die in Theo's arms before he woke shaking and sweating; the other half, Theo was the one who had pulled the trigger.... and every time, Boris was dead, clinging to the painting, covered in his own blood.  
  
The painting. Fuck. For all the good things Boris had done for him, stealing the painting was the worst.   
_'I stole from you--that's what I did. Took your dearest possession. And how could I treat you so badly, when I wished you only well?'_  
Boris had said that to him in the back of the car that first night they reconnected in New York, before Theo fully grasped the magnitude of what Boris was confessing to.   
Boris had stolen the painting from him, traded it and lost it in drug deals, and yet he'd managed to get it back... returned safely.  
Did he forgive Boris for stealing the painting? Yes. Theo wasn't sure he was ever truly mad at him about it, just shocked and maybe a little hurt. Maybe it wasn't the worst thing if it had brought Boris back into his life?   
  
How could he ever stay mad at Boris? Boris... who kissed him before he got in that cab on the dusty curb of Desert End Rd., the heat of Vegas summer nights and racing pulse under his skin almost word vomiting long-time-coming confessions. Boris, who had returned the painting safely, who had literally saved his life in that Amsterdam hotel room, who had invited him into his home and taken care of him. Boris.... Boris who had held him and kissed his back and made lov-- fucke--who he'd had sex with.  
Boris who he'd had sex with. Drunk, very drunk, but not enough to forget.   
Theo laid on his back on the hotel bed, eyes closed, as he thought back to laying beside Boris in his bed in Antwerp. Boris' hot breath on his back and his lips under his shoulder blade, up each knot of his spine. The way Boris' tasted under his tongue, musky and slightly sweaty, but so warm. The way, even with an injured shoulder, Boris had held himself above Theo so carefully, strikingly gentle compared to the way they touched when they were kids. Always punches and pushes and bloody knuckles and swollen lips. The way Theo had let his fingers brush along the fabric bandage, coherent enough to still hold concern for the pressure on Boris' wound. The heat that Boris' body brought to his personal space, radiating into his bones with every movement. The way Boris' name sounded in his own hazy, broken gasps. The way Boris had moaned his name when he--

"Fuck-- Oh god--" Theo lifted his head off the pillow, jaw tense and eyes clenched tight as his hand stilled under his boxers, heat spreading through his lower abdomen. 

Theo wiped his hand on the outside of his boxers and stared at the ceiling trying to process what he'd just done. He'd touched himself to the idea of having sex with Boris. With Boris, his friend Boris, his male friend Boris. That wasn't something he did. He only thought of Boris that way when he was drunk, high, absolutely gone... not this, not sober in the middle of the afternoon.   
Theo could feel his pulse racing under his jaw, his mouth felt dry and his stomach turned. He shot up, sitting and holding his hand against the wall to steady himself. He couldn't catch his breath and he felt like his ribs were closing in, clamping down on his lungs like claws.  
Theo grasped at his bare chest with his other hand, pushing his fingers against the skin between his ribs in a false hope to pry them off his aching lungs. His eyes watered from the lack of air, heaving panicked breaths that seemed to fill every part of him except his lungs.   
Soon enough, his gasped breaths turned to sobs, actual tears falling down his cheeks and speckling his glasses as he put his head between his knees and pulled heaving gulps of air into his lungs.  
He wasn't sure how long he sat like that, but eventually his breathing calmed enough and his eyes were dry, and he forced himself to sit up. It was just him. Alone in his hotel room in Germany.   
  
Theo sighed and stood from the bed, walking across the hotel room in his boxers to the bathroom. He turned the water on as hot as it would go and climbed in with his boxers still on. He stood under the scalding water and rested his forehead against the cold tile wall. He let the water pound against his skin for a few minutes before stripping and tossing his soaked boxers onto the bathroom floor.   
He felt like an idiot getting that worked up, but he'd told Boris before he left Antwerp, and he'd told himself for years, he'd even told himself in Vegas from the snippets of drunken nights he remembered: he's not gay. He touched Boris like that because he was there, because he hadn't found the right woman. He loved Pippa, even if they honestly never would have worked. And he thought he loved Kitsey, at least at the beginning. She was beautiful and smart, exactly what he should have ended up with. Not with someone wild and reckless, someone who drank vodka with their tea and had sugar on bread for breakfast even though they were a grown adult. Not someone who would literally take a bullet for him and essentially bring him back from the dead.  
It took Theo a few minutes to realize the water had started running cold. He shivered and turned the shower off, grabbing a towel off the rack and pulling it around his body. 

He sighed and frowned at his reflection in the mirror. He only thought of Boris that way because he hadn't found the right woman yet.   
Theo walked back into the hotel room and dropped the towel into a heap on the floor before pulling on a nice outfit. He'd go to a bar and he'd try harder than he did back in the states. Maybe he needed to meet a German woman, just someone outside of his comfort level.   
  
At half past eight, Theo wrapped a tie around his neck and knotted it, sprayed a bit of cologne, fluffed his hair a bit, pulled on his shoes, and left the hotel room.  
He wandered down the street from his hotel, looking for a bar that wasn't too crowded or loud.  
Eventually he walked into a bar only a few blocks from his hotel, he looked around and took a seat at the bar. 

"Hallo! kann ich dir ein Getränk holen?" The tall blond bartender leaned against the bar and greeted him.

"Sorry?"

"Sie sind Amerikanisch. Can I get you a drink?"

"Oh. Yeah. Vodka?"

"Got it." The man smiled at him and turned back to the wall of haphazardly stocked bottles of alcohol.   
He grabbed a bottle of vodka and lined two shot glasses on the bar in front of Theo. He filled them both, handed one to Theo and took one for himself, raising it.   
"Prost!"

Theo nodded and raised his glass before downing it.  
The blond man watched with an impressed smirk as Theo's face remained impassive as he downed the liquor. 

"Another?"

"Please."

The man poured him another shot and moved down the bar to help someone else.   
Theo downed his second shot and ordered another and a beer as he looked around the bar. Most everyone except for him seemed to be there with a group. He sat and observed the people around him while he drank for another hour or so. One group caught his eye.  
There was a group of women in the corner booth all talking among themselves and laughing. Theo thought one of them, a woman with blonde hair, wearing black jeans and a leather jacket, might be looking over at him, confirmed when they locked eyes and she gave him a small wave.   
He smiled awkwardly and waved back. 

She said something to her friends before standing from the booth and walking over towards the bar. 

"Hallo." She smiled and motioned to the empty seat next to Theo. 

He nodded. "Hi."

"Ah." She raised an eyebrow. "Sie sind Amerikanisch."

The bartender had said it too, he's American. "Yeah. Uh, I'm Theo."  
He held his hand out to her awkwardly. 

She laughed and shook his hand. "Hanna. You want another drink?"

Theo was already fairly drunk, having been drinking one after another for the last hour and a half, but he needed it if he wanted any chance of continuing this conversation. It's not that Hanna wasn't pretty, she was, beautiful even. She already didn't remind him at all of Kitsey or Pippa. Different, that was good. She looked good in her leather jacket and black boots. 

"Theo?"

"Huh? Sorry." He shook his head and realized he was looking down at her feet. "Yeah, another drink would be good."

She laughed and put one hand on his shoulder as she waved down the bartender with the other.   
Theo looked at her hand on his shoulder as he listened to her order in rapid German. 

"Zwei Biere und zwei Wodka."

She turned back to Theo, moving her hand from his shoulder to his thigh. "So where are you from, Theo?"

"New York."

"Oh how fun! I have been there last year for New Years. Time Square is so big and bright."

New Years. Time Square. Theo remembered when he and Boris sat on the living room floor in his father's house watching some parade in Time Square on the TV. He'd asked if Theo and his mom ever went. _No, it was mainly for tourists._ He smiled when he remembered Boris laughing at the news anchor saying happy (some holiday he couldn't remember) to his kids, Bastard and Casey. He still had no idea what the man's kid was really called, but he remembered Boris snort-laughing over it for a good half an hour. _Casey's okay, but calling your son Bastard on TV.._

"Yeah, Time Square is fun." Theo agreed half heartedly as he sipped his beer.

He managed to hold an actual conversation with Hanna for the next hour, brushing over the details of his life: _don't mention the bombing, don't mention the failed engagement, don't mention the drugs, definitely don't mention the fact that you've slept with a man who happens to be your best friend_. He focused the conversation mainly on her, which she seemed to enjoy. When they were both rather drunk, Theo more so, Hanna invited him back to her place.  
He just nodded, trying to mentally calm himself as she said goodbye to her friends and grabbed him by the elbow, guiding him out of the bar and down the street. 

Hanna didn't live too far from the hotel he was staying in, six or seven blocks max, he recognized certain buildings from his walk to the bar earlier.   
She flicked on a lamp as soon as they stepped inside, coating the living room in a golden glow. Her apartment was simple. Theo couldn't help notice the antique coffee table in front of a weirdly modern couch, coffee stains and water rings absolutely destroyed the top of the table and Theo frowned before turning back to Hanna with a forced smile. 

"Nice place."

"Danke!" She smiled and stood on her toes to press a kiss to his lips.  
  
Theo froze for a second before realizing he needed to kiss back.   
He kissed her back for a minute, letting his hand fall to her waist.  
She pulled back and grinned, taking his hand and leading him through the rest of her small flat towards her bedroom.

Once in her room, Hanna pulled off her leather jacket and dropped it on the armchair by the window.   
Theo watched her as she undressed, looking at him with a teasing smile. 

"You're not going to undress?" She laughed as she pulled her top over her head. 

"Right, yeah."   
Theo toed his shoes off and undid his tie, wishing he'd worn something easier to take off. He took his suit jacket off and the button down underneath, setting them both carefully on the armchair instead of on the floor where Hanna's clothes ended up.   
She sat on the edge of the bed in just her underwear and bra as she watched him undress. When Theo was down to his boxers, Hanna stood from the bed and moved towards him, letting her hands run over his stomach and waist. 

"Du bist so attraktiv." She whispered as she kissed along his chest and sucked a little harder on his collarbones.   
"Findest du mich attraktiv?"

"What?" Theo gasped as she sucked harder on his neck, kissing the delicate skin there. 

"Do you think I'm attractive?"

"Oh. Yeah, yeah. You're beautiful." 

"Then touch me, silly."

Theo realized he'd been standing there letting her touch him and not doing anything back. He moved one hand to her waist and one to her bum. He gasped when she kissed him on the mouth, following her lead and opening his mouth so their tongues moved together. He kept his eyes closed while they kissed, leaving his hands where he'd set them, trying to focus on the feeling of her hands on his skin. They were soft, delicate, kind of tickly. She let her nails trail down his chest and stomach and stop at the waist band of his boxers.   
Theo froze. He tried to focus on kissing her again. Her hands on his body. His hands on hers. He had a mostly naked girl under his hands and his body didn't seem to understand that. 

"Take my bra off."

Theo nodded and kissed her neck and shoulder, trying to make it feel natural while he peeked over he shoulder to figure out the bra clasp. He managed without much difficulty and pulled the silky fabric away from her body. Hanna kissed him on the mouth again and guided his hands to her breasts.

She giggled and gasped as he tried to remember what Kitsey liked when they'd had sex. She didn't really. _Just have sex and get it over with_ was her preference.  
Hanna pulled Theo to the bed and leaned back, pulling off her panties. Theo watched her with wide eyes as she laid completely naked in front of him and patted the bed for him to lay down.   
He did, and Hanna let her hands run over his stomach and slipped her fingers under the hem of his boxers as she kissed his neck.  
Fuck. Theo inhaled when Hanna moved her hand lower. 

"Theo?"

"Hm?"

"You okay?"

"Yeah, totally."

"You're not hard."

He knew that. His body was not responding the way he needed it to. "Sorry. I-- I'm just really drunk."

Hanna's look of concern faded into a laugh. "I'll just have to touch you more."

"Okay." Theo got comfortable on his back, staring up at the ceiling while Hanna straddled his thighs and touched him. 

_Hanna is beautiful. Hanna is touching you, fucking react._

Hanna made a disappointed noise as she moved her hand back. "Theo, come on."

"Sorry, sorry. I just.. maybe if you used your mouth?" God that sounded so wrong to his own ears.

Hanna didn't seem to mind though and leaned up to give him a quick kiss before going down on him. Theo thought he saw her touching herself too. God, he wasn't doing anything right.

His body didn't react any more than it had when it was just her hand. _Come on. Fuck._ God Boris would be so smug right now. _Not gay, huh Potter? Cannot even get it up for pretty girl._ Boris. He could get it up for Boris. Easily. Fuck, even when he was drunk. Only when he was drunk. Boris' touch had some effect on him that Hanna's didn't. 

He swore he heard Hanna whisper "thank god" when he started to get hard under her touch. Acute panic pinched his chest when he realized his body reacted when he started thinking about Boris. Fuck it. He can't go soft now. How shameful would that be? More shameful than thinking of Boris while she touched him? Maybe.  
Theo brought his thoughts back to Boris as Hanna kept touching him; Boris' smell, his mouth on his skin, his fingers skillfully working him open. 

When Theo was fully hard, Hanna grinned and climbed up to kiss him before grabbing a condom and straddling herself over his body.  
Boris' breathy moans filled his head, not Hanna's gasped feminine ones. He'd never been the one to fuck Boris but he imagined it wouldn't be like this. It'd be tighter, hotter, his rough calloused fingers gripping him close to his chest. _Is just me, Potter._ Comforting even outside of nightmares.   
Theo kept his eyes closed most of the time, trying to focus on what this would be like if Boris were the one riding him instead of this blonde German girl. Fuck, what was wrong with him? He didn't have this problem with Kitsey. He could...perform just fine. The more he thought about Hanna or Kitsey instead of Boris, the more he felt his body losing steam. _No, no, no_. Boris' lips against his skin, his chest, his stomach, everywhere. Fingers working him open and heat that wasn't comparable to anything else Theo had ever experienced.

"Fuck me."

Hanna's voice broke through his thoughts. "What?"

"Fuck me. I'm getting tired. Use your hips or something."

Shit. "Right."  
Theo gripped his hands on her waist. She leaned down against his chest and he closed his eyes. Boris.   
Boris. Boris. Boris. He thought Boris' name, Boris' breath and touch with every thrust of his hips until it was over.   
He stilled, breathing heavy as Hanna climbed off of him. She kissed him on the lips and told him she'd be right back.

Theo stared at the ceiling for a minute before taking off the condom and tossing it in the trash by her bed. He stood up and grabbed his boxers off the floor, pulling them on quickly. He felt dizzy, partly from still being drunk, partly something else he couldn't name. 

Hanna was quick to fall asleep after climbing in bed with Theo. She'd laid with her back to him and pulled his arm over her waist, pressing back against him.  
Theo laid in the dark wide awake. It felt weird having his arm around someone instead of having someone's arm around him. She was so small, still so...naked.   
Theo pulled his arm off her when he was sure she was asleep and laid there for a few more minutes feeling uncomfortable both mentally and physically.   
The alarm clock on the nightstand read 02:03 a.m., and Theo sighed before carefully climbing out of bed. He pulled on his pants and shirt, stuffing the tie in his pocket and holding the suit jacket over his arm. He slipped his feet into his shoes and walked out into the hall and back through the flat to the door.   
He frowned again at the water stained coffee table and left, locking the bottom lock before pulling the door shut behind him.

Theo had never actually experienced a "walk of shame" until now. Not that anyone was really around to witness it at two in the morning; but he felt disgusting, shameful, and painfully aware of Hanna's fruity smelling body spray clinging to his skin.   
The walk back to the hotel was short enough, and Theo stripped as soon as he entered his room. He tossed his clothes on the floor by the bed and went to the bathroom, turning the shower on and stepping in before the water had a chance to warm up.   
The icy spray sobered him the last bit he needed for the reality of the last few hours to hit him. He didn't let his mind wander to Boris until the water was hot, scorching his skin and washing away all physical remnants of Hanna. _Boris. God, what the fuck._

  
Theo didn't wake until mid afternoon. He'd been unable to sleep until sunrise; mind a mess of thoughts, fears, regrets, realizations, and denial. A nightmare woke him from a heavy sleep with a start.   
It started in the museum, but this time he was completely alone. He wandered from room to room, looking for The Goldfinch. When he came to the spot where it would normally be hung, the wall was empty, only a shadow of where the frame had sat so long interrupted the wall. Theo had started to look around for it, it had to be there somewhere. He'd heard a feminine giggle and turned to see Hanna holding the painting. His painting. Not his, no. Hanna shouldn't have it.  
"How did you get that?"

She hadn't answered. Just held the painting out like it was something she didn't really want to be touching.

"Can I have it?" Theo had asked.

She shook her head and dropped the painting to the floor. When the wooden panel hit the floor, it was no longer the clean tile of the museum, but the gasoline tinged cement of a parking garage, a puddle of something dark seemed to be seeping out of the painting. Theo watched the stain grow larger, spreading across the concrete until it touched his shoes. He looked down. Blood spilled from his own chest where his heart should be and he'd woken with a jolt. Panicked gasps wracked his body for a few minutes until he got them under control. 

Theo decided to try going out again that night. To a different bar in the complete opposite direction of Hanna's apartment. He'd spent the early evening drinking whatever he could stomach from the minibar in his hotel room, so he had a good buzz going before he headed out, this time in the most casual clothes he owned, which were still nice slacks and a blue, cotton button down.  
This bar smelled a lot more like cigarette smoke than the one from the night before, and Theo hesitantly took a seat at the bar. He ordered a couple shots of Jäger instead of vodka and downed them before ordering beer. He looked around at the crowded room and he was immediately drawn to a man sitting at the end of the bar. Maybe it was his curly black hair, standing out from the sea of blonds surrounding him; maybe it was his mouth, a smirk with the occasional flick of the tongue; or maybe it was the fact that he was already looking at Theo, gaze heavy and intense.  
Theo could feel his face warm as he closed his eyes and took another sip of his beer. When he looked back towards the man, he was gone. Theo frowned, letting out a sigh and leaning back in his seat. 

"Can I buy you another drink?" a deep, warm voice came from behind him, shockingly close. The man from the end of the bar was standing practically against the back of his chair, waiting for an answer before sliding into the seat beside him. 

"Uh, yeah. Sure. Thank you."

"I'm Luca."

"Theo."

Luca smirked again, and Theo found it weirdly attractive. "What do you drink, Theo?"

"Jäger, I guess."

Luca ordered them a round of shots and another beer each before settling in beside Theo at the bar. Conversation with Luca felt a lot more natural than it had with Hanna. Theo found himself genuinely interested in the answers Luca gave to questions he asked, and only felt marginally awkward answering questions about himself while still carefully avoiding unnecessary details.   
Theo was a little past drunk, feeling oddly at ease as he laughed with Luca over a story he'd told involving a party, a hot tub, and a young American boy suggesting they do Jägerbombs and play strip poker. 

"I'd do a Jägerbomb with you." Theo laughed after Luca complained that no one drinks them with him anymore after he accidentally knocked three off the ledge and into the hot tub.

"Yeah?"

"Why not?"

Luca put his hand on Theo's shoulder, firm and warm, as he laughed and ordered them each two Jägerbombs.   
The bartender rolled his eyes and chuckled as he set up the drinks on the counter in front of them. 

"Mach kein verdammtes Durcheinander, Luca." the bartender winked at him before turning back to pour someone a beer. 

"Keine versprechungen!" Luca called out and the bartender flipped him off without turning around.   
Luca turned back to Theo with his signature smirk.   
"Ready?"

Theo nodded and picked up one of the shot glasses.  
Luca did the same and held it out towards him. 

"Prost!"

"Prost!" Theo echoed.

They clinked the shots together before dropping them into the accompanying glasses and downing them. 

"Ha! Tolle!" Luca grinned when they set their glasses back on the bar and let his hand rest on Theo's thigh. 

Theo was immediately aware of it and thought about moving his leg, but Luca squeezed his thigh, letting his hand move higher up his leg before taking his hand back and starting in on the next set of glasses. 

"Another?" He handed Theo his next shot glass. 

Theo took the glass. "Prost."

"Prost!" Luca agreed and they downed their second round of Jägerbombs.

Theo's head reeled as he leaned back and set the glass back on the counter. He was a bit dizzy and looked down in a flushed amusement as Luca moved his hand up his thigh again. 

"You smoke?"

"What?" Theo looked back up at Luca, his blue eyes sparkling even under the dim bar lights.

"Do you smoke?" Luca held up a pack of Lucky Strikes and nodded his head towards the door. 

"Yeah." Theo nodded and stood up. He and Luca both threw a handful of bills on the counter and made their way to the door. 

The cool evening air felt good against Theo's flushed skin as he followed Luca around the corner of the bar and leaned against the brick wall, cupping his hands for Luca to light his cigarette. Once it was lit, he handed the cigarette to Theo and pulled another out for himself. It felt weirdly intimate, but Theo took the cigarette and placed it between his lips, taking a deep drag. 

"You are in Germany long, Theo?" Luca asked between puffs of smoke. 

"No, actually. I leave tomorrow night."

"So soon. Back to America?"

"Uh, Spain actually. Then Japan, then back home."

"Busy man." Luca smirked with the cigarette between his lips.  
"Should give me your number so I can call you if I am ever in New York."

Theo raised his eyebrows and took another drag of his cigarette before putting it out against the brick wall of the pub. "Alright."

Luca handed Theo his phone and watched him put his number in as he finished his own cigarette. He sent Theo a text so he'd have his number as well.

**Luca x**

Theo leaned back against the wall, still a bit dizzy as Luca moved closer to him. 

"Du bist wirklich heiß." Luca leaned against the wall, brushing against Theo's shoulder. "I want to kiss you."

Theo looked up with hazy eyes; he was closer than anticipated, and his mouth looked so inviting, his eyes locked with Luca's and he nodded. "Alright."

Luca pressed into Theo's body slightly, cupping his jaw with one hand and letting his other hand rest on Theo's waist. His lips were hot, full, and soft against Theo's.   
Theo gasped when Luca bit at his bottom lip, moving his tongue into his mouth. He kissed back with the same drunken intensity, reveling in the smoke and liquor on Luca's tongue.   
Theo's mind was momentarily blank as grasped at Luca's body, pulling him closer as their tongues moved together. He practically moaned into Luca's mouth when he felt Luca press his leg between his thighs, sensual pressure becoming overwhelming. He let Luca press him harder against the wall and he curled his fingers into the back of his hair. Theo was kissing another man, consciously, intentionally, in public, against the wall of a pub in Germany. A strong wave of arousal, confusion, and panic washed over him.  
Theo could feel himself getting hard the more Luca pressed into him. A brilliant, swirling heat started in his lower abdomen and spread through his body, dizzying, overwhelming, weird, until he pulled back from Luca's heated kisses and leaned to the side to vomit. 

Luca stepped back quickly, eyes wide, one hand still on Theo's arm.   
"Fuck!" he looked at Theo in shock. 

"Oh my god." Theo's heart pounded against his rib cage. He wiped his mouth with his sleeve. "I am so sorry."

Luca gave him a sympathetic smile and stepped to the side opposite the vomit, rubbing his thumb on Theo's arm. "It's okay. Too much to drink. It happens."

That mixed with overwhelming panic and arousal? "Sure.."

"Really, Theo. It's okay. You're alright now?" Luca took his hand back and crossed his arms, he looked uncomfortable. 

Theo nodded. "Yeah. I'm sorry, again. I, uh.. sorry."

"It's cool. It's getting late anyway. I should go. But uh, you're good?"

Theo felt his entire body sag in disappointment. "Yeah. 'Course." 

"Alright. It was good to meet you." Luca started to back up again and turn towards the corner of the street. 

"You too." Theo mumbled as he watched Luca wave over his shoulder and walk down the street fast enough to leave him feeling even more embarrassed and thoroughly alone. 

Theo made it back to his hotel room before kneeling on the tile floor of the bathroom and getting sick again. He set his glasses on the counter and splashed his face with cold water before heading back into the bedroom and stripping down to his boxers.   
He sat down on the edge of the bed and checked his phone. Just after one a.m.  
No new messages.   
Theo rubbed his hands down his face, deleted Luca's number from his phone, and flopped onto his back on the bed, laying in the dark on top of the covers waiting for sleep and whatever nightmares were bound to accompany it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, long chapter. Thank you for reading!  
> Writing the sex scene between Theo and Hanna was one of the most awkward things I've ever written and I definitely felt the second hand discomfort. It was intentionally incredibly awkward, as was the ending of Theo and Luca's interaction.   
> I'd love to know your opinions on Theo's two sexual encounters and just chapter in general.  
> Again, thanks for reading! xx


	4. Twenty Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theo turns twenty five

**Hey. It's me.**

Delete

**Hey**

Delete

**Hey Boris, it's**

Delete

**It's Theo**

Delete

**Hey, it's Theo.**

Send. 

Theo was sat on the front step of Hobart and Blackwell chain smoking his way through a pack of cigarettes as the sun set, casting golden shadows over the buildings surrounding him. He'd been back in New York for a week and a half, needing a break back in a familiar city before going to Washington and California to buy back the last two changelings. He tucked his phone back into the pocket of his jacket and headed back inside.  
He hadn't talked to Boris in nearly ten months, and he'd been working up the nerve to text him since he left Germany. He'd been thinking about it even before kissing Luca, really since the night he had thought about Boris while in bed with Hanna. The idea of admitting to people that he might be gay made his pulse race, but the idea of telling Boris that he was gay...for him? that he might be..in love with him? brought about near debilitating levels of panic.  
But it was true, wasn't it? That he clearly felt something more than friendship for Boris. He knew it in a way when they were kids; knew it when he'd wake up hungover as all hell with the vaguest memories that blurred like acid dreams: Boris' hands on his waist, under his clothes, and his the same on Boris' pale, rail thin body; knew it when Boris kissed him as he was about to leave Nevada for good, aching for Boris to join him; knew it when the words nearly fell from his lips before the cab pulled away from the curb. And god, he supposed he knew it in Antwerp when he'd reacted strongly to knowing that Boris had slept with other men. Maybe that was why it had taken Theo ten months to work up the nerve to text Boris even a simple "hello"... because he was terrified he wouldn't feel the same. 

Hobie was in the kitchen when Theo stepped inside, filling two bowls with soup before pulling garlic toast from the oven. 

"Good day?" Hobie asked as he set a bowl on the table in front of Theo.

"It was alright. You?"

"Yeah, almost finished with that set of dining chairs that we got in from that auction last month. One leg left."

"That's great. Sorry I haven't been a big help in the workshop much."

Hobie chuckled. "You've been doing plenty, Theo. Traveling around, buying back pieces. That's a big help."

Theo nodded, unconvinced. "Right." 

"Speaking of. Have you decided when you're leaving again? Are you staying in New York for your birthday?"

Theo's twenty fifth birthday was in three days. Only twenty five, and yet he felt like he'd lived a full lifetime. It had been twelve and a half years since the bombing, since his mother died, since he moved to Nevada, since he met Boris. Ten years since he left Boris behind in the desert. Almost a year since they'd reconnected, since he'd nearly lost The Goldfinch for good, since he'd nearly committed suicide in a hotel in Amsterdam, and nearly as long since he'd spoken to Boris. 

"I'll be here." Theo nodded. "I was going to leave the day after."

Hobie smiled at that. "Alright, good. I want to celebrate your birthday with you, got a surprise for you."

"Hobie.. I-- I'm not really big on surprises." Theo had pretty much planned on letting Hobie take him to lunch or something and then spending the rest of the day in his room drinking, or maybe doing a line. He hated celebrating his birthday, and he hadn't done a line in months. 

"You'll like it, I promise." 

Theo tried not to frown to deeply. "Alright."

Hobie patted his shoulder. "Hey, Theo. It's nothing big, alright? No need to worry."

"Right. Thanks, Hobie. I appreciate it."

Hobie nodded reassuringly. "'Course. Alright, I'm gonna see if I can finish that chair tonight. See you in the morning?"

"Yeah. Night, Hobie."

"Night, Theo." Hobie gave Theo's shoulder a quick squeeze before setting his dishes in the sink and heading back down to the workshop. 

* * *

Theo woke from a nightmare on the morning of his twenty fifth birthday, breathing heavy and pulling the covers up over his head to block out the sun. He couldn't remember exactly what the nightmare had been about, but it ended with Boris holding the painting as blood poured from it and from his own chest as if they were one in the same.   
He could hear Hobie making noise out in the kitchen, pots clanking together, and he pulled his pillow over his head to come down from the stress of the dream.   
He peeked his head out from under the pillow when Hobie rapped his knuckles against the door. 

"Yeah?"

"Breakfast is ready when you are, Theo." Hobie called out. 

"Be right out." Theo sighed and forced himself out of bed. He pulled on a pair of pajama bottoms and a tee shirt, ruffling his hair in the mirror and resisting the urge to crawl back into bed. 

Theo trudged down the hall and into the kitchen. Hobie was plating a large stack of pancakes, two more cooking in the pan on the stove. 

"That's a lot of pancakes." Theo chuckled as he sat down at the table. 

"Theo! Happy birthday." Hobie gave him a quick hug before grabbing the plate of pancakes and setting them on the table, along with three plates. 

"Thanks, Hobie." He looked at the other plate. "Someone joining us?"

"Theo!" 

Theo turned around at the familiar voice. Brilliant red hair came around the corner as Pippa stepped into the kitchen.

"Pip-- hey. Wow." Theo stood up and pulled her into a hug. 

"Happy birthday!" she smiled and kissed his cheek.

"Thanks. What are you doing here? Not that I'm not happy to see you." Theo pulled the third chair out for her before sitting back down.

"Well I was due for a visit. Missed you and Hobie." She smiled and kissed Hobie's cheek. "And your birthday, of course."

"Surprise." Hobie winked at Theo and started piling pancakes on each of their plates. 

Theo chuckled and pushed his glasses up his nose. "Thank you, Hobie. It's a good one, you were right."

The three of them spent the rest of the day catching up in the sitting room, drinking a sparkling sweet wine that Pippa had brought with her. Theo felt surprisingly at ease all day, happy even. He hadn't heard back from Boris when he texted him a few days ago, and he'd left his phone in his room so he could focus on Hobie and Pippa's company. Hobie insisted on taking them both to dinner, and Theo was glad they kept it low key, grabbing food in a small Chinese restaurant down the block.   
Conversation flowed over the plates of noodles and wontons. Hobie talked excitedly about the set of chairs he'd just finished fixing up, Theo talked as vaguely as he could about his travels buying back the changelings, and it was the first time Pippa had talked about her life with Everette that Theo hadn't felt annoyed or jealous.   
Theo was surprisingly content by the time they arrived back home later in the evening. He thanked Hobie again and gave him a quick hug before Hobie kissed Pippa on the cheek and excused himself to go to bed. Theo and Pippa sat at the kitchen table until almost midnight.

"I'm glad you're doing well, Theo." Pippa put her hand on his forearm. "It's good to actually see you smile."

"Thanks Pips. I'm glad you're well too. This was a great surprise, it's really good to see you again."

"Glad I got to see you before you head off again tomorrow. How long are you going to be gone this time?"

Theo sighed and rested his chin in his hands. "Hopefully not awfully long. Maybe two weeks? I'm going to Seattle first, then San Francisco."

"I'm sure it'll go quickly. I know Hobie really appreciates what you're doing."

Hobie had told Pippa a (very vague) version of why Theo was traveling so much and buying back pieces. He'd left out how badly Theo had really fucked up, for which he was grateful.

"Yeah. Well I'm just excited to be done. I've traveled enough for awhile."

Pippa laughed softly. "I bet. I can't believe you didn't come visit me when you were in London."

Theo looked down at his hands. "Right, sorry."  
He really hadn't wanted to be in close proximity to her and Everette acting like a couple for an extended period of time.

"I'm only teasing you Thee. It's fine." Pippa squeezed his hand gently.   
"It's been really good to see you, Theo. I'm gonna go to bed, I think."

"Okay. Yeah, me too. Early flight and all."

"Happy birthday Theo." Pippa leaned in and kissed his cheek before standing up. "Safe flight, okay? I'll give you a bit of a warning next time I visit."  
She pulled Theo into a big hug before heading down the hall to her bedroom. 

Theo leaned against the counter in the kitchen for a moment before turning the light off and heading to his own room.   
He closed the door behind him without turning on the light and sat on the edge of the bed, grabbing his phone off the nightstand and flicking on the lamp.   
He laid on his back and swiped to unlock his phone. 

A new voicemail from Mrs. Barbour, short and sweet.

"Happy birthday, Theo. I hope you're well. Come for dinner soon? We all miss you dearly."

And a handful of texts from Kitsey, Toddy, Platt... and one from Boris. 

**happy birthday potter x**

He'd send it nearly six hours ago. 

**happy birthday potter x**

Theo reread the text a dozen times. Theo had barely even acknowledged his birthday in Vegas; he stared at the text amazed that Boris had remembered his birthday a decade later. 

**happy birthday potter x**

Theo started to type a reply, wandering what time it was wherever Boris might be.

**Thanks Boris**

Send. 

Theo stripped down to his boxers and climbed under the covers. He set an alarm and closed his eyes, hoping for a nightmare-less sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another small interlude chapter before Theo goes off to buy back the last two changelings. :)  
> I hope you enjoyed it.


	5. Talk in Your Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> || "Well, it's none of my business. But I think maybe, subconsciously, you miss him?"
> 
> "Maybe." It wasn't subconsciously that he missed him. He very consciously missed everything about Boris. ||
> 
> Theo is in Seattle.

It rained the entire time Theo was in Seattle.   
He had the meeting to buy back an armoire earlier that morning and then made his way back to his hotel, walking the twelve blocks in the pouring rain. He wondered if Boris still carried his black umbrella at all.   
When Theo got back to his hotel, he took a scorching hot shower and hung his wet clothes by the heater to dry. He'd stayed in his hotel room for the last two days watching the rain pound against the glass, completely unmotivated to go out and explore the city when he knew he'd spend the whole day soaked. 

  
His flight to San Francisco wasn't until the following evening, and Theo was beginning to feel trapped, like Amsterdam all over again, in his tiny room.   
Marijuana was legal in Seattle, unlike in most of the other states he'd been to, so he'd stopped at a dispensary and bought some before meeting with his client earlier; and he sat down on the bed after his shower, towel around his waist, and lit the joint.  
The smoke filled his expanding lungs, simultaneously expanding the walls of the room and easing his claustrophobia slightly.   
He smoked until the joint was gone before changing into slacks and a sweater. Somehow he'd picked a hotel without a bar, no shooters of bottom-shelf vodka in the mini fridge in his room; so he tried to psyche himself up to trudge through the rain to a bar nearby. 

He ducked into the first bar he passed on the street over from his hotel, just anxious to get out of the downpour, and sat at the end of the crowded bar. 

"Hey man. What can I get ya?" 

"Uh, vodka. Two shots?"

"Gotcha." The bar tender turned around and took another order while grabbing a bottle of vodka.   
He set the shots in front of Theo and began pouring a round of beers for a group at the other end of the bar. 

Theo had no intention of talking to anyone that night. He just wanted to sit at the bar, out of the rain, and drink. He hadn't heard anything from Boris since the text on his birthday, and he figured it was probably a special occasion text that wouldn't happen again for some time.   
He'd sat at the bar for nearly an hour and a half, switching from vodka to beer after his fourth shot, and rather glad that the seat beside him had been empty for the last half an hour. No loud talking or drunken laughing, no stranger's body heat falling into his personal space.   
He pulled his phone out and checked the screen. Just after ten, and no new messages. 

"You mind if I sit here?"

Theo turned to see a curly haired man standing beside him, blue eyes bright and cheeks flushed from the cold, gesturing at the empty seat. "Sure. That's fine."

"Cool, thanks man." He sat down beside Theo and ordered himself a drink. 

Theo pulled up the text from Boris. 

**happy birthday potter x**

Then turned his screen off and ordered another drink. 

"Hey man, I think you dropped this." Theo felt a hand on his shoulder. 

He turned. The man beside him held out his ID towards him. "Shit. Thanks."

"No problem---Theodore?" he smirked as he looked at the ID and handed it back.

"Theo."

"Teddy." He stuck his hand out for Theo to shake.

Theo huffed a laugh. "Good to meet you."

"You too. You a student at UW?"

"No. I'm uh, here on business."

"Ah, what do you do?"

"I deal antiques." Theo hadn't realized how weird that sounded until he'd honestly said that to someone his own age. 

"Really?" Teddy's eyes widened and he laughed. "You seem a little young to be an antique dealer. But sounds like a good job if you get to travel for it. Where are you from?"

"Yeah, guess I am. New York."

"Wow, far. How are you liking the west coast?"

"Uh, it's wetter than I anticipated."

Teddy snorted a laugh, his freckled cheeks tinted a soft pink. "Yeah. That's pretty accurate."

Theo smiled, the sound of his laugh echoing in his mind. "It's not bad though. Have you always lived here?"

"Washington, yeah. Bit more up state though by the border." 

Theo nodded. He couldn't imagine living in one place forever, even if it was as green and beautiful as Washington. 

"How long are you in Seattle?"

"Just til tomorrow night."

"Ah. Any plans tonight besides drinking here?"

"Nope. I don't really know anyone or anything to do so... this is about it." Theo tried to imagine that that sounded less depressing than it was. 

"Wanna join me? I was supposed to go bar hopping with some friends, but everyone bailed because they all have eight a.m. midterms tomorrow."

"Uh, yeah. I guess so. You don't have an early class?"

"Nope. Nothing til next week for psychology students." 

"Okay." Theo shrugged. Why not?

It felt easy talking to Teddy, even though it was weird talking to someone his own age who seemed to have a shockingly normal life: a student, with an actual group of friends who make plans together, who has midterms to take, and probably doesn't have PTSD or nightmares about childhood trauma nearly every night.   
The more they talked, the more Theo felt comfortable talking with him. Teddy even made him laugh harder than he'd laughed since throwing popcorn at Boris in Antwerp.

They went to two more bars before settling into a booth and ordering another round of shots. They laughed and talked, mostly about music. Theo was surprised that they had similar taste, and they spent almost twenty minutes talking about the nostalgia of Velvet Underground when Pale Blue Eyes came on. 

"You've kind of got pale blue eyes." Theo tilted his head with a hazy smile, slurring his words slightly. 

Teddy grinned and practically giggled before taking another sip of his drink. "Thanks."

"Man." Theo sighed, a mix of fond and nostalgic. "I used to listen to this all the time."

"Mmm." Teddy nodded. "Me too. I think my favorite Underground song is probably Sunday Morning. What's yours?"  
Teddy let his hand fall against Theo's on top of the table, rubbing the tip of his pointer finger against the back of his hand. 

"After Hours.. I-- I haven't listened to it in years though." _If you close the door, the night could last forever._ Theo could hear Boris' soft, vulnerable, teenage voice, his unique mix of accents whispering the lyrics as he watched Theo flit about in a panic, packing to leave, to leave him. 

"If you close the door, the night could last forever. Such good lyrics." Teddy nodded his head to the melody in his head. 

"Yeah.. I can remember Boris--my best friend-- singing it. When we were younger."

Teddy smiled at him fondly and joked. "Did he grow up to be an antiques dealer too?"

Theo broke out of his reverie and snorted. "No. No, that's not really his thing. He's more of an... entrepreneur."   
Theo laughed to himself at the word Boris had used when asked about his work.   
"He travels a lot for work too though."

"Traveling salesman?" Teddy chuckled.

Theo laughed and rolled his eyes. "Something like that."

Teddy's foot had found Theo's under the table some time ago, their ankles now crossed over each other as they had settled into conversation. 

"Theo?"

"Yeah?" Theo took another sip of beer, smiling around the rim of the glass.

"At the risk of making an ass of myself--" Teddy brushed a curl behind his ear, his face flushed from the alcohol, and maybe the touch of Theo's calve rested against his own under the table.  
"Do you want to come back to my place?"

Theo's lips parted slightly and he leaned in subconsciously. "Oh."

"No pressure." Teddy joked softly, clearly nervous for the answer. 

"Uh. Yeah.. I'm just gonna run to the restroom real quick? I'm not gonna leave, I promise." he added when Teddy's face fell. 

"Yeah, okay. Cool." Teddy sat further back into the booth and watched Theo get up and move through the thinning crowd of people towards the bathroom. 

Theo stepped inside the bathroom and locked the main door once he checked that the stalls were empty. He leaned his back against the tile wall and pulled his phone from his pocket. He was drunk, very drunk.   
He scrolled through his contacts, fingers clumsy on the screen, names and letters in hazy doubles. 

He held the phone to his ear and listened to it ring. 

"Pick up, Boris.." he whispered aloud.

"Come on. Pick up, please."

Boris' automated voicemail beeped after a dozen rings. Theo hung up.  
He shoved his phone back in his pocket and splashed his face with some water before heading back out into the bar. 

"Hey." he slid back into the booth across from Teddy. 

"Hey you."

"Ready?"

Teddy nodded in surprise. "Yeah. Yeah, ready."

"Okay." Theo downed the rest of his drink before standing from the booth, tossing a few bills on the table, and following Teddy out of the bar. 

* * *

Theo woke up alone the next morning in an unfamiliar bed. It took him a second before the events of the previous evening came back to him and he realized where he was.

He had gone home with Teddy, they'd made out on the couch for a while before making their way to the bedroom, losing clothes as they stumbled through the small apartment. Theo vaguely remembered telling Teddy that he'd only slept with one man before. God, what else had he drunkenly blurted out??   
It got a bit blurry after that, but he remembered Teddy grasping at his body and curling his fingers in his hair as he fucked him. He remembered doing the same, and not feeling like he wanted to die or run away. He remembered liking it.   
Oh god, he had liked having sex with another man. A second man.  
Theo stared at the ceiling fan as his mind raced, watching the slow spin of the fan blades. He'd never experienced sex like that before. With women, he always felt like he just wanted to get it over with, like sex was an obligation rather than something to enjoy. With Teddy, he'd had fun. Like actual fun in bed. He remembered laughing. He remembered feeling good and enjoying it. But he also remembered feeling like something was missing. With Boris, that something was always there... usually over shadowed by denial, fear, shame, and more-often-than-not hard drugs... but it was there. 

It was a strange combination of emotions. He felt as though something had shifted, that he could feel okay with himself being with men. But Teddy wasn't the one he wanted to be with. Teddy wasn't the one he wanted to laugh under the covers with. Or the one he wanted to... make love... to. Boris... he'd thought of Boris a lot last night. While listening to The Velvet Underground and in the bathroom at the bar... why did he feel strangely disappointed that Boris hadn't answered when he called? He thought of Boris as he and Teddy walked through the streets in a downpour, imagining Boris' black umbrella from their childhood keeping him dry. He thought of Boris this morning before he even opened his eyes. He'd dreamed of him, which wasn't unusual. What was; however, was that it wasn't a nightmare. It was just a dream. 

_Boris in his flat in Antwerp, sitting at the tiny kitchen table reading "The Idiot" in Russian, smoking a cigarette by the open window. He'd looked up and smiled when Theo entered the room._

_"Morning Potter." he'd said and pushed the seat across from him out with his foot for Theo to sit in._

_"Morning." Theo poured himself a cup of coffee before sitting across from Boris and snagging the cigarette from between his fingers to steal a drag._

_"Get your own." Boris had laughed and taken the cigarette back._

_Theo sipped his coffee and smiled at Boris over the rim of the mug._

"You're thinking awfully loudly." Teddy commented, a soft laugh leaving his mouth as Theo shook himself from his thoughts. 

Teddy was leaning against the door frame of the bedroom in just his boxers, two coffee cups in hand, a boyish smirk on his face. He moved across the room and sat on the end of the bed while Theo pushed himself to sit up. 

"Sorry. Just thinking." Theo took the mug that Teddy held out to him. 

"I don't know how you take your coffee, I hope black is okay."

"It's great, thanks."

Teddy smiled and sipped his own coffee. "What were you thinking about?"

"Uh." Theo took a sip, it burned his tongue pleasantly. "A lot. Last night, mainly. I haven't really done--- this." he gestured between him and Teddy, sitting on the bed casually the morning after a hookup, with another man, not feeling panicked or the immediate need to run away or do a line.

"Yeah, you said." Teddy nodded, no judgement in his words. "That's cool. I don't usually do this either. I had a good time with you though."

"Yeah." Theo nodded. "I did too."  
It felt weirdly liberating to admit that. 

Teddy sipped his coffee and leaned back against the wall. 

"You sleep alright?"

Theo nodded. "Fine, yeah. You?"

"Yeah." Teddy smirked. "You talk in your sleep."

Theo felt his heart drop into his stomach. "Do I?"  
He was torn between wondering what he'd said and just being thankful it wasn't a nightmare.

"Mhmm."

"Do I even wanna know what I said?" 

"Mostly just mumbling." Teddy took another sip of his coffee and eyed Theo. "And someone's name."

"Are you dragging this out on purpose?"

Teddy snorted a laugh. "No, sorry. You said uh, 'Borya', and 'Boris'... I'm assuming they're the same person."

Theo leaned his head back against the wall. 

"Hey, it's not a big deal. Ya know, if you're into someone else? I didn't expect this to become serious or anything."

"Yeah, I know. Me either. It's just-- complicated."

"Want to talk about it?"

Theo snorted, a sort of _pfft_ sound that meant ' _don't be ridiculous_ ' that he'd picked up from Boris. 

"Alright." Teddy laughed. "No worries. Just thought I'd offer."

Theo liked Teddy, liked that he didn't push for answers and that he could make conversation less awkward in seconds, so easy going. The exact opposite of how he was, himself. It frustrated him that it made him actually feel comfortable enough to talk about it. 

"He's just a friend."

"Right. I remember. You said last night at the bar, the one who used to sing Velvet Underground?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, it's none of my business. But I think maybe, subconsciously, you miss him?"

"Maybe." It wasn't subconsciously that he missed him. He very consciously missed everything about Boris.

"What do I know? I mean when was the last time you guys talked?"

"It's been a while." 

Teddy hummed and set down his empty mug. "Well. If you're dreaming about him... Just a thought."

The look Teddy gave him was full of an understanding that Theo couldn't quite comprehend; like maybe Teddy knew more than he should about why Theo had mumbled Boris' name in his sleep while in bed with another man.   
Theo just nodded and leaned over to grab his tee shirt off the floor.   
He pulled it over his head and grabbed his glasses from their spot on the nightstand. 

"If you don't have to be anywhere right away, I've got waffles for breakfast." Teddy said casually as he stood from the bed and stretched, his boxers sliding down along the v of his stomach. 

Theo brought his eyes back up to Teddy's face. The idea of eating waffles with a one night stand made him want to laugh for some reason. "Uh, sure. Sounds good."  
He grabbed his boxers off the floor and pulled them on under the covers before getting up and following Teddy to the kitchen. 

* * *

Theo left an hour later in a surprisingly good mood.   
It was raining again, or maybe it hadn't stopped raining from the night before, but Theo ducked into a convenience store on the corner of Teddy's street. He bought a cheap black umbrella and a pack of cigarettes before heading back out to the street. When he finished his first cigarette, Theo pulled his phone from his back pocket and unlocked it.   
A handful of new notifications caught his eye. Three missed calls from Boris and a text. 

**R u ok?**

They were all received around three a.m., so Theo assumed Boris was not in the U.S.   
He tapped Boris' name on the screen and held the phone to his ear as he walked. The echo of the rain bouncing off his umbrella mixing with the soft ringing. 

"Boris? Yeah, hey, it's me."

Theo smiled at the bravado in Boris' voice that he swore was covering a tone of relief that he was okay. 

"Yeah. Look, I think we should-- can we talk? Like in person, soon?"

Boris, off course, offered to book a flight and meet him anywhere in the next twenty four hours. 

"Actually, I'm wrapping things up in the next week... would it be alright if I came to Antwerp? When I'm finished with everything?"

 _Of course, Potter. Is perfect, you can visit always. How long will you stay?_ Boris' enthusiasm made Theo's stomach fizzy. 

They talked for a few more minutes before Boris had to go, making a tentative plan for Theo to fly to Antwerp the following Friday after being back in New York for a few days.  
He tucked his phone back into his pocket and closed the umbrella, shaking out the water, as he walked into his hotel. His flight to San Francisco wasn't for a few more hours, and for once, Theo didn't feel like drinking to pass the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we're getting there. Or Theo is getting there. :)  
> I quite like Teddy, I hope you did too.  
> But Theo finally called Boris! Hooray!


	6. In Love with the Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> || The full moon illuminated his pale skin against the black sheets.  
> It was the last thing he saw before he closed his eyes and sunk into the darkness. ||
> 
> Theo is done buying back all of the changelings.  
> Countdown to seeing Boris again.

**Can not wait 2 c u!**

**7 days!**

**i will pick u up at airport**

**'no boris u do not have to', i know i do not but i want to potter**

**potter**

**i have just thot it will b american thanksgiving when u r here**

**vodka and bar food eh? like old time! HA**

**no we will have proper meal. r grown men now**

**what do u eat 4 american holiday?**

**potter! internet says turkey cooks so many hours??**

**maybe will stick 2 bar food.. HA**

**6 days!**

* * *

Theo had received more texts from Boris in the last five days since their phone call than he had... well, ever. He'd responded to most of them:

**can't wait to see you either**

**you don't have to--- right okay**

**yeah?**

**whatever you want to do, Boris.**

Mostly, he felt relieved at how excited Boris sounded to see him again.  
Boris hadn't left his mind since his night with Teddy. He could at least semi-confidently admit to himself that he was attracted to Boris, that he had...romantic feelings for him, that he felt some way about Boris that he didn't even have words for. What was Boris to Theo?  
He was just...Boris. Boris, his best friend who was by his side for two years in the desert; saving his life, holding him after nightmares, making him laugh, Boris who he had lost his virginity to (something that took more than half a dozen shots of vodka to even think about, let alone begin to admit that truly was what had happened). He still couldn't remember all of the nights they'd fooled around in Vegas, but he tried to stop denying the ones that he did remember.   
  
Boris, who had disappeared from his life for eight years, stolen the painting and lied to him, lost the painting, practically stole Theo away from his engagement party (on second thought, he'd have to thank Boris for that one) and dragged him to Amsterdam, and put him in the middle of a fucking art heist.   
But he was also Boris who had been willing to risk everything to get the painting back for him, Boris who literally took a bullet for him, Boris who he killed a man for.... Boris, who he had been so worried would never return, that maybe he was arrested or, god forbid, dead, that he nearly ended his own life.  
Boris who had saved his life, yet again, in that hotel room. Forcing him to empty his stomach and dragging him out into the cold.   
  
_'Hey. You have to walk, Potter. You will be okay. I am here.'  
_  
Boris who had taken care of him, held him, and seemed excited to see him again after he'd left Antwerp so suddenly and gone months without contacting him.  
In short, Boris was a little bit of everything to him.

* * *

Theo was glad to finally be done buying back the changelings. It had been a long year. He was glad to be back in New York, in a place that was familiar for a few days, before packing his bags and heading to Antwerp to see Boris again. 

His flight to Antwerp was a red eye the following night.   
He spent most of the day down in the workshop with Hobie, and it wasn't until he was alone in his room that evening that the intrusive thoughts and crippling self-doubt were back full force.

Was he actually going to tell Boris how he feels about him? How the hell was he going to do that? What if Boris didn't feel the same? What if Boris laughed?  
  
_'Ha! Potter, you are not serious?? Was never a big deal with you. Cannot believe you thought so.'  
_  
What if Boris met someone else in the last few months? What if they gave some semblance of a relationship a try and he wasn't enough for Boris? He wasn't as easy-going, as brave, as personable, as witty and charming, or as open as Boris. What if Boris changed his mind and told Theo not to come to Antwerp after all?  
  
Boris hadn't texted him in two days and Theo was suddenly paranoid that he was no longer excited to see him.   
Theo sat on the end of his bed with his suitcase wide open beside him, clothes haphazardly tossed in, silently starting to work himself into a panic.  
He hadn't had a full out panic attack since he'd masturbated to the idea of Boris in back in Germany a few months ago.  
But suddenly it was like Theo was back in Amsterdam, getting out of Boris' car in the dark, snow covered street. Walking alone back to his hotel in an unfamiliar city, unknowingly walking into nearly a week of painful silence and paralyzing worry that Boris wouldn't come back for him. What if he told Boris how he felt about him and he decided he didn't want Theo in his life anymore? He figured it would probably be like walking into that hotel room alone again, only this time he wasn't sure he'd make it out of that alive. 

The only downside to being back in New York was that Hobie kept nothing stronger than wine in the house.   
Grasping at his chest to keep the breathless gasps quiet enough to not disturb Hobie, Theo crept through the house to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of red wine from under the counter. He opened it and took a sip from the bottle before going back to his room.  
  
It was nowhere near strong enough to dull the dread and near panicked hysteria rippling through his body, but Theo sat on the end of his bed in the dark room taking gulps of wine until his stomach hurt.   
  
_You're really going to tell Boris that you, what, that you love him? He'll laugh. It's ridiculous._  
_What have you ever loved besides your mother and that painting? And they're both gone._  
_Everything and everyone you love, leaves you._  
_You're not enough for Boris. He deserves someone who isn't a fucking mess._  
_An embarrassment._  
_Someone who devoted their soul to a goddamn civics textbook for years._  
_He'll never believe that you love him._  
_If you tell him you love him, he'll just leave you like everything else you've ever loved._  
_Why bother?_  
_Why bother?_

Theo pounded his palms of his hands against his head, tears had spilled down his cheeks and clung to his glasses. 

_If you tell him, he'll leave you._

Theo set the empty wine bottle on the floor and stood from the bed. His head throbbed from gasped tears and too much wine. 

_Everyone you love leaves._

Theo rested his palms on top of his dresser and looked at himself in the round, antique mirror that hung on the wall behind it. 

_Who are you even kidding? Look at you, you're a mess._  
_Why would Boris ever love you back?_

He wasn't even sure how he'd gotten there. He had had a relatively normal afternoon with Hobie, spent some time in the workshop, only felt mildly nervous to see Boris again.   
But when it hit him that yes, he was going to Antwerp to confess his feelings for Boris, every inevitability came crashing down on him at once like a tidal wave in the dark.   
Why had he ever thought that telling Boris he's attracted to him, fuck...that he loves him, was a good idea?

Theo opened the top drawer of the dresser and pulled out his red flake tin.   
Five pills lay inside just as he expected. He hadn't touched them since the incident that left him ill for a day in Georgia all those months ago.   
He didn't even care how shit he'd feel in the morning, he could sleep on the red eye flight tomorrow night. He just needed these thoughts to stop.  
Theo took one of the pills out and crushed it on top of the tin with the bottom of a glass candle, then cut it into two lines.   
He took a bill from his wallet and leaned down.

_Boris could never love you back._  
_There's nothing worth loving._

He sniffed hard, inhaling the first line of fine powder. It burned and made his eyes water, but it gave him something else to focus on. 

_Nothing worth--_

He inhaled the second line and his body was on fire.   
He moved to the bed and laid on his back, looking towards the window. 

The moon was full.  
_  
Badr al-Dine. Boris._  
  
His moon.   
_He was in love with the moon._  
The same wherever you are.   
_Maybe the moon could love him back._  
His constant. 

The full moon illuminated his pale skin against the black sheets.  
It was the last thing he saw before he closed his eyes and sunk into the darkness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Would this story really be believable without a Theo breakdown?  
> He's mostly come to terms with being gay.  
> He's mostly come to terms with having feelings for Boris.  
> And now that the time has come for him to admit it aloud to Boris, he panics. 
> 
> Side note: I've had a rough day, so Theo had a rough day. That's how authors cope, yeah? lol
> 
> Thanks for reading! I hope you're all still enjoying the story. xx
> 
> *** alternative chapter title  
> Panic! At the Moon


	7. Is Only Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> || Theo woke with a start, sitting up and gasping for breath.   
> His chest heaved as he looked around in the dark to remember where he was. Boris' flat. In Antwerp. ||
> 
> Theo is back in Antwerp with Boris. x

Theo opened his eyes to blinding sun streaming through the window. He barely managed to stumble to the bathroom before retching, clinging to the toilet as his body tried to get rid of everything he'd taken the night before. He retched until nothing came up but stomach acid. He felt weak and shaky, but at least he was conscious.   
He laid down, curled in on himself, on the bathroom floor for a few minutes until he stopped shaking.   
  
When he was able to stand, Theo went back to his bedroom and closed the blinds before crawling back into bed. He pulled the blankets up over his head and grabbed his phone from the nightstand.   
It was already after noon. God, he was glad Hobie hadn't tried to wake him and found him like that. He'd found Theo twice before, over a year ago when he was doing four or five lines at night before bed. After the second time finding him unresponsive, he swore he'd never put Hobie in that position again.   
He unlocked his phone and checked his messages. His stomach lurched when he saw he had two from Boris. 

**Potter! can not wait 2 c u! hope u r packed warm HA!**

**c u soon. i will b there when u land x**

Theo smiled half-heartedly. Boris was still excited to see him. 

His flight wasn't until 11:45 p.m., so Theo stayed in bed until Hobie knocked on his door a little after two. 

"Theo? You awake?"

"Yeah." Theo forced himself to sit up. He probably looked like shit. He needed to shower and shave before he left. 

Hobie pushed the door open a few inches. "It's after two. Do you want something to eat?"

"Uh, maybe yeah. I should probably shower first."

"Are you feeling alright?"

"Yeah... just a bit nervous I suppose."

Hobie raised an eyebrow and leaned against the door frame. "How come?"

He still hadn't told Hobie, or anyone really, besides Teddy who had kind of assumed, about his revelations with Boris. "Haven't seen Boris in almost a year. I don't know. I'll be fine once I'm on the plane."

"Alright. Well... shower soon. I'm going to start lunch."

"Okay. Thanks, Hobie."

Hobie nodded and stepped out, pulling the door shut behind him. 

Theo pushed himself out of bed and grabbed an outfit that was nice, but still comfortable enough to wear on an overnight flight.  
He let the shower run as hot as he could handle until his skin was red. He wiped the mirror off with his towel after drying off and filled the sink with water to shave.   
He still didn't think he looked great, but he looked a lot better than the last time Boris had seen him; skinny, sick, and fresh off a suicide attempt.   
He ran his fingers through his hair a few more times until it laid right, pulled on his clothes, and even dabbed on a bit of aftershave that Hobie had given him a few years ago before heading out to the kitchen where Hobie had grilled cheese waiting. 

* * *

"Alright, well give me a text or call or something whenever you know when you're coming back."

Theo had only booked a one way ticket so he could decide how long he wanted to stayed based off Boris' reaction to his admissions.   
He turned to face Hobie, suitcase in hand, and smiled. 

"I will."

"Have a safe flight Theo. See you when you get back." Hobie gave him a quick hug before Theo stepped out the front door of Hobart and Blackwell and down to the curb where a cab was waiting for him. 

* * *

Surprisingly, Theo did manage to sleep most of the flight. He fell asleep around two hours after take-off, and woke when the sun was bright in the sky an hour and a half before landing. Only downside to sleeping most of the flight was that he did miss when they came around with food, his neighbor not waking him from his spot sleeping against the window.   
He figured he could convince Boris to stop for food pretty easily on the way to his flat. 

The airport in Brussels was large and busy. Theo managed to find baggage claim pretty easily, and then it was a waiting game, standing in front of the carousel as suitcases and duffel bags went round in circles. 

"Potter!" 

Theo turned around at the sound of Boris' voice. He laughed when he saw Boris pushing his way through the crowded baggage claim area with a paper sign that read ' _Potter_ ' in his scratchy hand writing. 

"You are here!" Boris grinned, his perfected smile made Theo's heart stutter.

"I'm here." 

"Well hug me, идиот. Have not seen you for nearly year and you do not even hug me."

Theo rolled his eyes and stepped into Boris' open arms. "Better?"

"да. Is good to see you." Boris pulled back and looked at him. "Look much better than last time. Ha! Not sick, no?"

"Nope. Not sick." Theo swallowed and looked back towards the baggage carousel. Maybe a little love sick, but that wasn't the question. 

"Good! You are hungry? Is forty minute drive to Antwerp."

"Actually yeah. I slept through food on the flight." Theo chuckled and stepped up to grab his bag as it made its way around the track.

" _Pfft_. Is no good, Potter. We will stop then. Come."

Theo followed Boris through the crowded airport out to the car park. It was substantially colder here than it was in New York when he'd left. He was glad he'd packed warmer this time than last.

"Is supposed to snow tomorrow I think." Boris looked up at the sky. He grabbed a pack of cigarettes from the pocket of his long, black coat and handed one to Theo before lighting his own. 

"Thanks." Theo took the lighter from him as well. 

They smoked as they walked to where Boris had parked, practically at the back of the lot. 

They stopped at a little shop for fish and chips right outside of Brussels on their way back to Antwerp. Boris had grinned at Theo's enthusiasm.   
_Is better than shit plane food, да?_

Boris' flat looked pretty much the same as the last time Theo had seen it, except something was different. It took Theo a minute to realize that Boris had changed the art that hung behind the couch to (what Theo assumed was a print of) a famous Monet painting of a poppy field. Now, instead of being set atop a small stand, the TV sat on top of a large bookshelf that had a few dozen books stacked on the shelves, most of which seemed to be in Russian, and a small stack of vinyls for the record player that was situated next to the TV.   
The record on top of the pile caught his eye, Velvet Underground. He smiled and turned around when he realized that Boris was talking to him. 

"Look good, да? More of home feel."

"Yeah, it's nice." 

Boris grinned and started towards the kitchen. "Tea, Potter?"

"Sure, thanks." Theo set his suitcase against the side of the couch. Boris had even got a throw blanket for the couch. 

Theo admired the Monet until Boris came back to the living room, handing him a steaming mug of tea.

"Thanks."

"Sit, Potter." Boris sat on the couch, leaving room for Theo to sit beside him. "Has been so long. You have fixed everything then?"

"Uh, yeah." Theo sat down beside him. "Basically."

Boris hesitated, rubbing his thumb along the lip of his mug. "So you and snowflake. How are things?"

God, Theo really hadn't kept Boris informed at all. He felt kind of shitty for leaving him out of his life for so long, but then again he didn't know what Boris had been up to the last eleven months either.   
"It's Kitsey." Theo started. "And uh, we're not together anymore. I broke it off with her a while ago."

He swore he saw a relieved smile on Boris' face, but maybe he was reading too much into it.   
"Am sorry to hear that. But you are happy, yes?"

"Yeah." Theo nodded and sipped his tea. "Happier than I was."

Theo knew that he came to Antwerp specifically to tell Boris how he feels about him, but the more they talked, the more comfortable and happy he felt, and the less he wanted to tell him in case he ruined everything.  
He figured he'd give himself tonight, and he'd tell Boris tomorrow.   
It was no surprise that they shared a joint and passed a bottle of vodka back and forth as it got late. They'd put on a movie that Theo hadn't seen in years, S.O.S. Iceberg. He barely remembered anything about the film itself, but the flicker of the VHS tape reminded him of being back in Boris' messy bedroom in high school.   
Theo looked at Boris out of the corner of his eye. He looked better too, healthier, his cheeks had a nice pink tint to them. Theo wondered if Boris still did lines and heroin, or if the track marks on his arms had faded. What about the other marks on Boris' body? The gunshot wound on his shoulder that was bound to be a gnarly scar by now.

"You are staring, Potter." 

Boris' voice shocked Theo out of his thoughts. His cheeks flushed a deep pink when he realized he'd turned his head and been full on staring at Boris.

"Sorry." he mumbled and turned back towards the TV.

"Is okay." Boris smirked. "Am good looking, is understandable."

"Fuck off." Theo laughed and grabbed for the bottle of vodka. 

When the film was over, Boris stood up and stretched his arms over his head. Theo's eyes went right to the pale skin of his stomach from where his shirt had ridden up. 

He cleared his throat and looked away. "Uhm. I'll sleep out here tonight. Not sick, ya know? I can stay on the couch tonight."

Boris furrowed his brows but nodded. "If you want."

Theo nodded. 

"Okay. Well. Will see you tomorrow then." Boris gave Theo a quick hug before turning towards the hallway. "Is good to have you here, Potter."

"Thanks Boris." Theo turned to pull things from his suitcase, his back to Boris and his cheeks flushed. 

Boris watched him for a few seconds before turning and heading down the hall to the bedroom.   
Theo pulled on a loose tee shirt and tugged off his pants before walking down the hall to the bathroom in his boxers. Boris' bedroom door was shut, the light on inside, glowing from under the crack of the door.   
Theo stepped into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. He grabbed a spare toothbrush from under the sink, splashed cold water on his face, and sat on the edge of the tub for a few minutes to think before stepping back into the hall, turning off the bathroom light behind him.   
Theo paused when he noticed that Boris' bedroom door was cracked. The light was off, but the door was left open a few inches.   
He smiled to himself and walked back to the living room.

Theo fell into a rough sleep on the couch. He couldn't seem to get comfortable, and when he finally fell asleep, it was into the depths of an all too familiar nightmare. 

_Theo walked alone through an empty parking garage. His foot steps echoed off the concrete. He walked and walked, no cars, no exit, no one else around. Until a gun shot reverberated off the industrial walls. On instinct, Theo put his hand to his chest; he looked down to see crimson blood soaking through his fingers. When he looked back up, Boris was stood in front of him, blood seeping from his chest like his own._

_"Boris--"_

_Before he could even finish saying Boris' name, a cloud of grey smoke and ash exploded through the parking garage, everything began to fall down around him. No sound. No audible explosion. Just a cloud of smoke and ash--clouding Theo's vision, burning his eyes, ash clinging to the blood on his chest-- Boris gone in smoke._

Theo woke with a start, sitting up and gasping for breath.   
His chest heaved as he looked around in the dark to remember where he was. Boris' flat. In Antwerp. In the living room. _Boris is asleep in his room down the hall._  
 _Boris is okay._  
Theo sat in the dark for a few more minutes, shoulders shaking slightly. He stood from the couch and wrapped the blanket around his shoulders.  
He paced back and forth across the living room and wandered into the kitchen, looking at the moon out the window. It still looked the same as it did the night before in New York.   
Theo walked back through the living room and down the hall. He paced for a minute down the hall before pausing in front of Boris' bedroom door. He could hear Boris breathing steadily, soft, stable, constant.  
Theo stood with his head resting against the wall by the bedroom door for a minute, trying to match his breathing with Boris' so he might calm down enough to go back to sleep.

"Potter?" Boris' voice came from the darkness; he didn't sound like he'd been asleep.

"Sorry. I-- did I wake you?"

"No. Why you are in hall? Is late."

"I uh-- couldn't sleep. Sorry. I'll just--"

"Come here."

"Are you sure?"

"Potter." He could almost hear Boris roll his eyes in the dark. "Just get in fucking bed."

Theo slipped into the bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. 

"Lay down, Potter."

Theo laid down in the empty space of the bed. The sheets were warm as if Boris had been laying there first and moved over for him.   
He laid on his back and stared at the ceiling. He could feel Boris laying on his side looking at him.   
Boris waited a minute before curling his arm over Theo's chest. He wasn't wearing a shirt and his skin was surprisingly warm where he gripped Theo's arm.

Theo's chest tightened at Boris' touch. He froze, trying to keep his heartbeat normal. 

"Shh, Potter. Is only me." Boris' voice was barely a whisper.

Theo let out a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding and leaned a bit more against Boris' side, letting him hold him a bit tighter. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theo is in Antwerp! Theo is in Antwerp! Finally.   
> Here we go.


	8. If I Time it Right

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> || "Fuck sake Boris. I swear to god. I'm fucking trying here." ||

Boris had been right about the incoming snow. Theo opened his eyes to a soft blue tinted light filling the bedroom. Thick snow flakes fell past the glass and clung to the window frame. Boris was still asleep, his arm over Theo's chest, breathing soft and even against Theo's neck.   
Theo looked at Boris, his face soft in sleep, eyelashes dark and brushing against his pale cheeks, arm warm and soft with sinewy muscle resting across his chest, rising and falling with his breathing. He let his fingers graze softly over the knot of skin scarred deep into the flesh of Boris' shoulder. Healed, but permanently marking his skin with the memories of the painting and the trouble it had caused them. He'd never thought to describe Boris as beautiful. Boris was rough, skinny, scrappy, good looking, even dangerously handsome at times. But here in the soft, snow filtered early morning light, tucked protectively against Theo under the covers, Boris was beautiful.   
Theo closed his eyes again and focused on the weight of Boris against his body. 

The next time Theo opened his eyes it was to find Boris sitting up on the edge of the bed, stretching his arms over his head. His eyes were drawn to Boris' back, his waist. He rubbed his eyes and rolled onto his side. 

"Morning."

"Morning Potter. Is fucking freezing in here."

Theo huffed a laugh. "Well you're practically naked. Put some clothes on."

Boris rolled his eyes and grabbed a red knit sweater out of the closet. 

Theo watched as he pulled it over his head. "That looks like the sweater you had in Vegas."

"Is similar, yes." Boris looked down at the sweater fondly. "This one does not have blood or beer spilled all over though."

"God." Theo snorted. "I'd hope not."

Boris pulled on a pair of sweatpants and held another sweater up towards Theo. "You are cold?"

"A bit. I brought warm clothes this time though."

"Good. You can borrow though." He tossed the sweater to Theo. "Breakfast?"

"Sure." Theo watched Boris walk out of the bedroom, casual as ever. It almost reminded him of Vegas how nonchalantly Boris left the bedroom, as if he hadn't held Theo close throughout the night. He felt weirdly unsettled by it.  
He pressed the sweater against his cheek before pulling it on. He didn't plan on telling Boris how he felt until later to give himself the day to work up to it, but he was already nervous. 

* * *

Theo's nerves stayed with him throughout the rest of the day, gradually getting worse as the day progressed. With a few inches of snow on the ground, Theo and Boris had spent the day inside lounging on the couch watching movies and smoking. Theo stayed very strictly to his side of the couch; he didn't hear half of what Boris was talking about throughout the day, his own thoughts so grating and loud.   
_  
Earth to Potter??_ Boris had waved his hand in front of Theo's face multiple times when he spaced out. 

Theo brushed him off every time. _I'm fine, fuck off._

Boris had basically left him alone for the rest of the afternoon, instead putting on a movie and pretending to be completely focused on it. Theo didn't even bother pretending to be focused on the film. He couldn't even remember what they'd watched. He'd declined when Boris lit another joint and offered him vodka. His high from earlier was basically gone and he had absolutely no idea how to tell Boris, how to even start the conversation, but he knew he had to do it sober. He couldn't find a single word that sounded right, so he stayed quiet.  
  
The snow had changed to sleet and pouring rain by the late afternoon, drenching the city and cutting through the morning snow, icing everything over. Soft thunder rolled occasionally, only heard when Boris turned the volume down on the second film he'd put on. 

"Is getting later. You want dinner?"

"Hm?" Theo had been lost in thought. The sun had gone down hours ago and he knew he didn't actually have a time limit... but he felt as though someone was holding a gun to his head, counting down to a point where it would be too late to tell him. 

"Food, Potter. You are hungry?" 

"Sure. Whatever you want."

"I do not want to make anything. We will order something. What sounds good?"

"I don't care, Boris. Anything you want." Theo couldn't focus on what to eat when all he could think about was his coming confession.

"Potter. What is wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong."

"Bullshit. шутки в сторону. You have been in shit mood all day."

"I have not. I just--"

"What? Tell me what is wrong."

"Just-- just fucking order food. I'm fine."

"ты меня бесишь." Boris grumbled and grabbed his phone off the kitchen counter.   
"Am ordering from Russian place then, is good. Best borscht I have had in long time."

"Fine."

"Иисус, ебать. Potter. Have fucking vodka or something. Light joint?"

"No, I'm fine."

Boris grabbed the bottle of vodka off the counter and took a sip before pushing it towards Theo. "Here. Take sip and relax, да?"

"Fuck you. I'm fine." How the fuck was he supposed to tell Boris how he felt if they were fighting? This is not how this was supposed to go.

"Okay, Potter. You tell me what is wrong when you are ready then." Boris sighed and stepped back into the kitchen. 

Theo could hear him ordering food in Russian over the phone as he sat on the couch with his head in his hands. The rain was falling heavier outside, pounding against the glass windows. All he wanted was to take a drink or smoke, maybe even do a line, but he just sat and waited for Boris to return to the living room; he couldn't even think about food, his stomach was such a mess of nerves. 

"Okay, Potter. Food will be here in hour. You will love. Put you in a better mood, eh?" Boris sat down beside him with the bottle of vodka in hand. 

Boris sat down close to Theo and put his arm over his shoulder. "Have drink, Potter. Let us have good night yes?"  
He downed a few gulps before passing the bottle towards Theo.

Boris' touch had him wanting to lean into him closer, had him wanting to just blurt out everything. "Boris--"

"Come on, Potter. Drink, feel better." 

"I don't want to fucking drink, Boris." He shrugged out from under Boris' arm.

"Why not? We have good time when drunk, yes? You are over thinking something. Do not know what, so drink and tell me."

"I can't!" Theo practically shouted.

Theo hated the look on Boris' face. He'd seen it a few times before, back in Vegas. It was almost desperation. Boris desperate for Theo to not shut him out, like he was afraid if he didn't lighten the mood somehow, Theo would shut in on himself even more and keep Boris out for good. He'd always been able to get Theo to open up or at least forget about whatever it was that was bothering him and relax with a few drinks, a hit, or a line. He hated causing that look.   
But this wasn't shutting in on himself, or shutting Boris out... it was treading choppy waters and trying not to drown under the weight of soberly pulling Boris in closer than he ever intentionally had. Terrified of going under.

"Why? Why can you not?"

The self-doubt and panic from the other night clawed at the back of Theo's throat. _If you tell him, he'll leave you._

"I--" Theo swallowed the lump in his throat and thunder rumbled.

"Potter? Пожалуйста. What is wrong?" he held the vodka bottle out again like an offering. _Please do not shut me out._

"I don't fucking want to be drunk right now! I mean I do--God, I want to be fucked up, but I can't!"

"Why not? We are always drunk! Makes talking easier, yes?" Boris' eyes were pleading, begging for Theo to tell him what was wrong. He didn't need him to be drunk, he just needed him to not shut down.

"Of course it does! Fuck! But I need to do this sober! Fuck sake Boris. I swear to god. I'm fucking trying here."

"What are you trying to do, Potter??"

Theo bit the inside of his cheek hard until he practically tasted blood before he leaned in. He gripped his fingers tight into the knit fabric of Boris' sweater with one hand and cupped his cheek with the other before pressing his lips against Boris' harder than he intended to.   
He felt Boris tense under his touch immediately. Theo kept his lips against Boris' for a second longer before pulling back.

"I'm sorry, I--"

Boris cut him off by cupping Theo's cheek and pulling him in close. He held Theo tight, as close as he could manage, as he kissed him back. Theo's hands found Boris' body again; his waist, his cheek, the back of his neck and tucked into the curls at the nape. He parted his lips as Boris deepened the kiss, dipping his tongue into his mouth with a soft moan. Boris leaned back against the arm of the couch and pulled Theo on top of him, not breaking their kiss. Theo kissed him harder as his pulse rumbled like the thunderous storm outside.   
Boris pulled back first, looking up at Theo with wide eyes, pupils blown, lips parted as heavy breaths brushed against Theo's skin. 

"Potter.." 

Theo could feel his chest rising and falling beneath him, one of Boris' hands still cupped his cheek.

"You are not fucked up? Not drunk? Did not do secret line in bathroom?"

"Boris, you've literally been with me all night." Theo whispered against his hand.

Theo had only seen the look on Boris' face once, right before he kissed him in Vegas as he was about to leave for good. Desperate, hopeful, longing. 

"I know... but, you have never kissed me sober." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHH


	9. After Hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> || Boris realized he hadn't said anything in at least a minute. 
> 
> "You what?" ||

"Potter..." Boris sat up, keeping his hands on Theo but moving to be eye to eye with him. He kept his hand on Theo's thigh, rubbing his thumb back and forth carefully.   
"Potter, where is this coming from? Have known each other for years... never have kissed sober. When I kiss you last time you were here you say ' _Boris, what the mother fuck?'_ I do not understand what is happening."

"It's just-- I.. think I'm in love with you."

Boris' hand stilled on his thigh and he leaned back, looking at Theo in shock. He'd known Theo half his life, and even in their years apart he hadn't left his mind. But Boris had always been the one to initiate things, always the first one to touch or kiss. He knew Theo cared about him enough to stay in his life, and cared about him enough to be with him when he was beyond gone on drugs or alcohol. But everything he knew about Theo had him convinced that Theo would never be the one to make the first move, never be able to want him while sober... never be able to love him sober. After Theo's last visit when he'd pushed him away, he'd resigned to the fact that Theo was just his friend. His best friend, yes. Something to him that deserved more than the lack-luster title of _friend_. He'd come to terms with the fact that Theo could not love him enough to be with him.   
Boris realized he hadn't said anything in at least a minute. 

"You what?"

Theo's heart dropped into his stomach. "I'm sorry. I don't-- I don't know why I told you that. I think I'm in love with you. That's crazy. I-- I mean, I'm-- why would that matter. I'm sorry I said anything. I didn't mean to ruin anything, Boris. I swear. I didn't want to ruin things. I-- 'cause of course you don't love me back. I'm just a mess. I've been so shit. I'm sorry."  
Theo started to stand from the couch, but Boris grabbed his wrist hard and pulled him back down.

"Potter! Shut up for one minute."

Theo sat and looked at Boris, anguish clear on his face.

"When you left Vegas to go back to New York, I thought I had lost you forever. You were only friend, only person, I had in Vegas, best friend. Only person I had ever felt close to, only person who had made me understand what love was supposed to feel like. Gone. Poof. Just leaving so fast. I kissed you, Potter, because I did not want you to go. Also because I did not think I would ever have chance again. Thought I had ruined everything by taking your bird. Thought you would hate me."

"I could nev--"

"No. Hush. Thought you would hate me forever. Even though you had gone, I still had painting, and in a way it felt like I had your heart. All those years. Eight years, so many. Thought you were gone forever; maybe married, maybe dead-- do not give me that look, it was possibility-- I did not know. Then suddenly you are there, in dark bar asking for Katrina. I hear your voice and I know it is you. Is you, and you turn when I called for you. Was so happy to see you! Worried, thought you would not want to see me."  
Boris huffed a laugh at his next thought.   
"Conversational Russian. Ha. Could not believe. You remembered me, did things that reminded you of me. Conversational Russian, Potter! I could not believe. But then look on your face, when you learned what I had done... am still so sorry. I know it is done, but I did not mean to hurt you. When you had learned of what I did, thought I had lost you again. Ruined everything again, always ruining things Boris! How could I fix this? Get back Potter's painting, get back his heart?"

Boris frowned, looking down at where his hand rested on Theo's thigh still. His eyes watered as he squeezed Theo's thigh.  
"Did all I could, and bird still was taken."

"But it's safe--"

"Potter." Boris looked up at him with a pained expression.   
"Thought I had lost your bird again. But is worse. Thought I had lost you. For real that time. In hotel room.. Potter, I will never forget it. Your skin so pale and cold, pulse so slow. Have never been so scared in my life, not even with gun to my head."

Boris took a deep breath when Theo put his hand on top of his own, carefully linking their fingers together. 

"Losing you as friend I could handle. You live happy life still, yes? Okay, I am so truly happy for you. Knowing you are safe. Seeing you almost dead... Thinking maybe he is gone, maybe am too late. Theo... I could not have handled that. Would have killed me."  
Boris wiped at his face with the sleeve of his sweater.   
"Thought I was too late. Did what I thought to do, and was so, so lucky. Said _Potter! You have to walk. Please. Just walk Potter and you will be okay._ But I would have carried you if you needed me to. Still would carry you if you need it. Because is what you do for people you love. Please do not be stupid, Theo. Is so stupid to think that I could not love you, that I do not love you. After everything."

Theo sat silently, taking in everything Boris had said. He loved him back. He looked down at where their fingers were locked together resting on his thigh.   
Boris tucked his finger under Theo's chin, tilting his head up to look at him. 

"This is okay?"

Theo nodded as Boris leaned in and pressed their lips together again.   
When Boris pulled back, he leaned in to press his forehead against Theo's.

"Theo--" 

There was something about Boris calling him by his real name that had Theo's stomach in knots. It felt so... _intimate._

"Boris?"

Boris leaned back against the couch, pulling Theo with him practically into his lap.   
"I have to ask you something."

"Okay.."

"What made you realize this? That you love me? You did not act it when I saw you last, and no talking for months after. I am curious."

Theo sighed and looked down to where Boris was tracing his finger in small circles on his thigh. "Sorry. I'm sorry I didn't reach out to you sooner. I should have."

"Is okay. I am just wondering what changed?"

"It didn't change. I mean, I guess my acceptance of it did. But Boris, I've loved you... a long time. But I guess I learned a lot... about myself, while I was fixing things. Buying back the changelings. I traveled so much, had a lot of time alone to think. I thought about you all the time. Almost texted you when I was in Germany, I wish I had."

Boris nodded, letting him continue.

"I went out a lot. Had a lot of dreams, more nightmares. I missed you."

"Missed you too, Potter."

"I uh. Boris..."

"Yeah, Potter. Is okay."

"I think I'm gay."

Boris nodded, no judgement, and only mild surprise on his face. He let his palm rest on Theo's thigh and wrapped his other arm around him. 

"And I think I'm okay with it. I don't think I'm completely---there? Like with being _out_ to everyone. But to you, I wanted you to know."

"I am glad, Potter. That you want me to know." Boris smiled at him fondly, a soft hesitancy in his voice. "I am-- I am not only man you've been in bed with anymore, no?"

Theo's cheeks burned and he looked down. "Why would-- how do you know?"

"I think something, or _someone_ , has helped you see this while you traveled. Made you realize is okay, yes?"

"Yeah... yeah."

"Is okay, Potter. I am glad. I do not know him. And I will admit, I am a little jealous he got to be with you that way... but am grateful if he helped you realize is okay to be with who you want and love who you want."

"But I don't love him. Boris, it's not him I want to be with. It's you."

"I know, Theo, кровь моего сердца." Boris leaned in and kissed his forehead.   
"It is you that I want to be with too. Have loved you for a very long time." 

Theo let out a long, relieved breath. He rested his head against Boris' chest and let himself sink into his touch. Boris wrapped his arms around Theo and rested his chin on his shoulder, placing a quick kiss just above his ear. 

"Potter?"

"Hm?"

"I am sorry. Am glad you did that sober."

Theo huffed a laugh. "I was fucking terrified. But me too."

Boris chuckled and squeezed Theo a bit tighter. Both men jumped at the knock on the front door. 

"I forgot you ordered food." Theo stood from the couch and held his hand out to Boris. 

"I did too." Boris kept his arm around Theo's waist as they walked to the front door.   
"Is okay?" he nodded towards the door. 

Theo looked down where Boris had his hand resting on his hip. "Yeah. It's okay."

Boris' grin was worth it alone. He opened the door and paid for the food, leaving an extra large tip for braving the snow, and handed it to Theo so he could keep his arm around on him.   
They made their way back through the flat to the kitchen and sat at the small dining table with takeaway bowls of borscht and plastic spoons.  
They sat in comfortable silence as they ate, ankles tucked together under the table, and Boris winking at Theo as he sipped his soup loudly, almost making him spit out his own bite.

"Potter!"

Theo nearly dropped the bite he was about to take on the table. "What?? Jesus, Boris. I'm right here."

"Yes! You are, I am very happy about that."

Theo rolled his eyes and kicked Boris' shin under the table. "What did you shout for?"

"Tomorrow is American Thanksgiving, yes?"

"Uh. Shit. Yeah, I guess it is. It's not a big deal."

"Is a big deal! We should cook big American meal. Like old times, Potter."

"We have literally never cooked for Thanksgiving ever."

" _Pfft_. Potter. You know what I am saying. What will we make?"

"I don't know." Theo shrugged. "I liked your suggestion of bar food and vodka."

Boris snorted. "Okay. Bar food and vodka it is. You think we can find New York parade on TV here? Or is just American thing?"

"It'll probably be on some channel. I don't mind not watching it though."

"How will we know it is American holiday if we do not hear the news man say happy holidays to Bastard and Casey. Huh, Potter?"

"God, I can't believe you remember that." Theo laughed. "We were trashed."

"Yes." Boris nodded. "Was a good night."  
He looked away from Theo and down at his empty bowl. 

"What?"

"Is the night you showed me your bird."

Theo sighed and nodded. "Yeah. I remember. Well, I don't remember. But I remember you saying that last year."

"Is also another big night."

Theo raised an eyebrow. "What was it?"

"Was the first night we slept together. Like for real." Boris said it carefully, worried maybe Theo still didn't want to remember their drunken, hands-on nights in Vegas.

"It was?"

Boris nodded. 

"Oh." Theo thought about it for a minute. He'd been so connected to Boris, so intertwined with him for so many years. "Wow, so it's been like... ten years?"

Boris nodded again. "Yes. Am pretty sure I loved you that night too."

"Fuck off. You did not." Theo laughed him off. "We were kids. I was a fucking mess."

"Yes you were." Boris agreed with a snorted laugh. "But I loved you still. This crazy, wanting-to-die, sad boy who was my best friend and had my heart. I loved you, идиот."

"Really?"

"Yes really, глупый." Boris hit his arm. 

"You know, I wanted to tell you."

"What?"

"That I love you."

Boris quirked an eyebrow. "When? Why did you not?"

"When I left. Before I got in the cab... you kissed me and I-- I mean I knew it already. I knew it then. But I wanted to tell you."

"Why did you not?"

"I was scared. I was leaving, and I didn't know if you'd actually come after me. And... and honestly, I was afraid you didn't feel the same. That the things we did weren't a big deal to you. I knew we fooled around even if I pretended it didn't happen the next morning. You held me after I woke from nightmares... we shared a bed every night for over a year, Boris. Fuck sake. But I was scared that it didn't mean the same to you."

"It did."

"I know that now." Theo rubbed his thumb along Boris' wrist. "I guess.. I guess I was also just afraid of being gay?"

"Is understandable. People can be shit about it. Imagine if either of our fathers found out things that we did. Is safer to pretend it is not happening."

"Yeah." Theo nodded. "But I don't want to do that anymore."

"What?"

"Pretend it's not happening. At least... at least not with you. I am more afraid of losing you again..."

"You will not lose me, Potter. Not again."

"I mean, I could though. I still don't even know what you do for work, Boris. If you get involved in shoot outs like in Amsterdam, maybe I will lose you again. I--"

"Potter. Stop." Boris gripped his wrist tightly. "Is not the time to worry about that. I am here and you are here. Am not working right now."

"But.. what about when I have to go back to New York. You'll still be here. What then?"

"Potter. успокоиться, calm down. Is not something we have to worry about yet. Please just... be here with me now?"

Theo swallowed down another round of anxious worries and nodded. "Okay."

Boris stood up from the table and held his hand out for Theo. "Come to bed?"

"Okay." Theo took his hand and followed him through the flat, flicking off lights as they went. 

Boris pulled the covers down before turning to see Theo standing at the end of the bed. The bedroom light was still on as they faced each other. Boris stepped closer to Theo.

"Can I?"

Theo nodded. 

Boris stepped in and reached out for Theo's glasses, setting them on the bed. He tucked his fingers under the hem of Theo's sweater and tugged it over his head.  
Theo reached out to do the same. His hands shook slightly as he pulled Boris' sweater off. He brushed his thumb against the scar on his shoulder. He felt so comfortable with Boris, but so nervous because this was real. It wasn't a passing thought or dream, it was really Theo, sober, in Boris' bedroom, undressing him. And Boris loved him back.

Boris and Theo pulled off their own pants and turned off the light before crawling into bed together in just their boxers.   
Theo laid on his back and looked at the ceiling as Boris got comfortable beside him. He pulled the covers up and wrapped his arm around Theo's waist like he would on nights when Theo woke in a panic. 

"Is okay?" Boris whispered.

"Yeah."

"Just want to hold you, okay?"

"Okay." Theo let out a breath, he was honestly a bit relieved that Boris didn't want to do anything physical. He'd done enough big things sober tonight. 

"You are okay?"

"Yeah. Sorry. Tonight's just been-- a lot. For me being sober." he chuckled awkwardly.

"It is okay." Boris kissed his forehead, that was new. "Is only me."

"I know." Theo smiled and leaned into Boris' touch, gripping his arm tight. 

"Theo?"

"Yeah?" 

"I love you. Am in love with you."

"I love you too, Boris."

"Goodnight, Potter."

Theo tucked his cheek against Boris' chest. He felt so young, so vulnerable, his heart still racing under his ribs.  
The rain continued to fall heavy against the bedroom window, rhythmically bouncing off the glass, accompanied by distant rolling thunder.   
They laid in silence, just holding each other like their days back in Vegas. Both of them sober, well fed, and still clutching each other like castaways, like younger versions of themselves.   
Some time in the silence, Theo was nearly asleep when he felt Boris brush his fingers along his arm and hum quietly. 

_If you close the door, the night could last forever._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just--- yeah. So much emotion.
> 
> Russian translations:
> 
> кровь моего сердца-blood of my heart  
> идиот-idiot  
> глупый-stupid  
> успокоиться-calm down
> 
> (Sorry I didn't start doing translations sooner. I'm teaching myself Russian and I didn't even think about translating it to make it easier lol. So I'll edit the end notes for other chapters with translations tomorrow. xx)


	10. Intentionally

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> || He focused on it all so intently, etching every detail into his mind to remember the next day, and the next. ||
> 
> This chapter is short and sweet.  
> Next few will be longer :)

Theo woke up the next morning to the sound of a light rain tapping against the bedroom window. He rolled over and opened his eyes when his arm hit the empty bed. 

"Boris?" Theo sat up and looked around the room. 

Theo got out of bed and grabbed Boris' red sweater off the back of the closet door where it was hung and pulled it over his head. It smelled warm and vaguely like cinnamon, it smelled like Boris.   
Theo walked down the hall in his boxers and Boris' sweater towards the living room, the flat was quiet except for the sound of the heat rattling through the vents. The living room was empty, but the TV was on to some news channel on mute with Russian subtitles. Theo smiled and walked towards the kitchen where he could smell coffee and tobacco.   
He stood in the entryway to the kitchen for a moment and watched as Boris took a drag of his cigarette, sitting in a pair of flannel pajama bottoms at the kitchen table. He had the window cracked slightly, the cold air exaggerating the cigarette smoke and steam rising from his coffee cup. His dark curls fell across his forehead, and he had his eyes downcast towards the book in his hand.

"Hey." Theo stepped into the kitchen and went to pour himself a cup of coffee. 

"Potter." Boris smiled and took another drag of his cigarette, shutting the book with the corner of the page folded down. "Morning."

"Morning." Theo sat down in the chair across from Boris and sipped his coffee, watching Boris over the rim of the mug. 

"Slept well?" Boris pulled a cigarette from the pack on the table and handed it to Theo.

"Thanks." Theo lit the cigarette and blew the smoke towards the open window. "Yeah. Did you?"

"Mhm. Is nice holding you sober."

Theo smiled down at his mug. "It was. You were up early."

"Is almost eleven, Potter. Is not early." Boris laughed and put out his cigarette. 

Theo shrugged. "What are we doing today?"

"Is holiday." Boris stood to pour himself another cup of coffee. He brought the whole pot over and topped off Theo's mug. "Happy American Thanksgiving."

"Happy Thanksgiving." Theo laughed.

"Figured we could order food, we have plenty of vodka, and I found TV channel that shows parade later if you want. Will probably be in Dutch, but will still be on."

"That sounds great."

Mid afternoon, Boris ordered in a ridiculous amount of food from a bar not too far from his flat: fries, wings, even little Polish sausages. They sat and half-watched the parade in Dutch, half joked around and drank, reminiscing on only good memories from Vegas.   
The food and vodka were both better than when they were kids. Hot food delivered instead of leftovers in the fridge from Xandra's bar on the strip, and ice cold Luksusowa Polish vodka instead of room temperature Smirnoff that had been hidden under Theo's bed for weeks. This Thanksgiving was different also in the fact that neither of them were intentionally drinking to get drunk. They drank and smoked and enjoyed each other's company. And by evening, they were sprawled out together on the couch, comfortably tipsy, in only their boxers. 

"I can't believe we slept together for the first time ten years ago." Theo was on his back leaning against Boris' bare chest, staring at the ceiling with a dopey grin on his face. 

"Is crazy we have known each other so long."

"It is."

Boris rubbed his thumb over Theo's collarbone lazily. 

"Boris?"

"Hm?"

"I'm sorry I can't remember it."

"What?"

"The first time we slept together. I feel like I should remember that."

"We were both drunk. Very drunk. You did not remember showing me your bird either."

"Yeah..." Theo sighed and leaned his cheek against Boris' skin. 

"Potter?"

"Yeah?"

"I remember it. You do not?" his voice had a sense of hesitancy to it.

"Yeah, I just said that." Theo pushed himself to the side to look at Boris. 

"You do not... you do not think I took advantage of you, do you?"

"What??" Theo sat up more. "No, of course not."

"Okay." Something in Boris' voice still sounded off. 

"Hey." Theo cupped his cheek. "Even if I can't remember it, I'm glad it was with you."

Boris leaned into Theo's hand and nodded. "Alright."

"I want to."

"Want to what?"

"Remember. I want to be with you, intentionally, and remember."

"You are sure?" 

Theo nodded. "I'm sure."

Boris leaned in and kissed Theo before grabbing the remote and turning off the TV. He pulled Theo off the couch with him and wrapped his arms around his waist as they made their way down the hall to the bedroom.   
The room was dark, save for the faint blueish glow from the moon through the window. A soft rain still pattered against the glass, a background soundtrack to undressing each other. Boris held Theo close under the covers; closer than they'd been, mentally and physically, in years. 

"You are sure you want this?" He whispered in the dark. 

"I'm sure."

Theo let his hands wander across Boris' naked body, heart pounding under his ribs. His hands shook slightly, but he moved with intention. He wanted this. 

Boris' voice was soft, a mix of Russian, Ukrainian, and English as he marveled over Theo's body.   
"Theo--так красиво моя любовь. боже, ти неймовірний. God, Theo."

"Boris--" 

"I love you." Boris whispered as he closed the distance between them. 

Theo focused on everything. Every feeling, every touch of Boris' body against his own. Every sound they both made. Every whispered admission of love. He focused on it all so intently, etching every detail into his mind to remember the next day, and the next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter was pretty short. It felt right to end it here though. The next few chapters will be longer again. :)
> 
> Translations:  
> так красиво моя любовь--So beautiful, my love  
> боже, ти неймовірний--God, you're incredible.


	11. A Little bit of Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> || "When will I see you again?" Theo asked again as Boris parked the car at the airport. 
> 
> Boris put the car in park and turned in his seat to face Theo. "Probably will not be too soon. You had many things to fix and figure out this last year, yes? Is my turn, now. Have some things that need, not fixing, but figuring out. We can still text, talk on phone, and I will come to New York and see you as soon as they are figured out, I promise." ||
> 
> Theo's time in Antwerp with Boris continued

Three days after Thanksgiving, Boris woke early to a barrage of phone calls on his work phone. 

"ради хуя. Заткнись." Boris rolled over and fumbled around the nightstand to turn the volume on his phone off. 

"Boris?" Theo's voice, half asleep, questioned in the dark. 

"да, sorry." 

"What's wrong?"

"Is nothing. Phone call." his phone started ringing again seconds after silencing it. "Блядь. Will be right back, Potter."  
Boris grabbed his phone and climbed out of bed. Theo could hear him speaking fast and half asleep, angry sounding Russian out in the hall. 

He checked the time on his phone, just after five a.m., and laid on his back.  
"Everything okay?" he asked when Boris came back into the room. 

"Is just work thing. All okay." he sat on the edge of the bed and put his hand on Theo's chest.   
"But I do have to go for a few hours I think to make sure is all alright."

"You're leaving?" Theo sat up, frowning and rubbed his hands over his face. "Now?"

"Gyuri will be here with car in twenty minutes."

"Okay... how long will you be gone?"

"Few hours probably. By four or five at latest." Boris stood up and started going through his closet for something to wear that was more professional than the pajamas he and Theo had been lounging in the last few days. 

"P.M.?" 

"да. I am sorry, Potter. Was not supposed to work while you were here. Is just thing I am needed for."

"It's fine." Theo shrugged. "I guess I'm just staying here all day?"

"You can do that, or go out. My car is here if you want." Boris finished buttoning his shirt and pulled on a pair of black trousers. 

Theo leaned back against the wall and watched Boris rush around the room. He knelt down in the closet and unlocked a safe, pulling a small pistol from it and tucking it into his waist band.

"Boris, what the fuck??"

"Is for show, Potter. Do not worry."

"You said that last time, and it was very much not for show."

"Is not the same situation. Am not dealing with multi-million dollar painting this time."

"Fuck, then why the hell do you need a gun?" Theo sat up on the edge of the bed.

"Just told you. Is for show." Boris pulled on his long, black coat and started out of the bedroom. 

"Okay?? You're literally just leaving?" Theo followed Boris down the hall in his boxers. "What the fuck, Boris."

"Have got to go, Potter. But I love you. I will be back later, yes?"

"Will you??" 

"Yes! Fuck sake, Potter. Do not be like this. I work all the time, always come home."

"Boris--"

"Potter." Boris put his hands on Theo's shoulders. "Is okay. I have to go, but I will come back. I promise."

"Don't make promises you can't keep." Theo tried to pull away from his grasp. 

"Theo. Stop it." Boris wrapped his arms tight around Theo's waist and held him. "I will see you tonight."

"You better. If you get hurt, Boris, I'll kill you."

Boris chuckled and squeezed Theo tight again. "I love you."

"I love you too." Theo relented and hugged him back.

Boris smiled and kissed Theo quickly on the lips before slipping out the front door. 

Theo sighed and shut the door behind him. It wasn't even light out yet, and he was freezing. He grabbed the blanket off the couch and shuffled back down the hall to the bedroom for a few more hours of sleep.

Theo ended up sleeping until just before eleven. He woke up to an empty bed and frowned when he remembered that Boris was gone for the day.   
He pulled on a pair of pants and one of Boris' sweaters and made his way out to the living room. The flat was freezing and too quiet without Boris' presence.   
Theo made himself a cup of coffee and a piece of toast and set it on the kitchen table. He looked around the living room for a pack of cigarettes and grabbed a book off Boris' shelf before sitting down in the kitchen.   
He drank three cups of coffee and smoked half the pack, blowing smoke out the open kitchen window while he flipped through the book. He'd grabbed The Idiot and skimmed through it, reading as much as he could decipher in Russian, which wasn't much.   
  
It was almost one by the time he left the kitchen. He dumped his cup in the sink and tossed the book on the couch before heading down the hall to take a shower.   
He spent nearly an hour in the shower until the water started to run cold. Thinking, over-thinking, imagining Boris in the shower with him, more over-thinking, and worrying until he forced himself out from under the cold stream of water. 

"Okay." he sighed as he dried off.  
Two o'clock, only a few more hours, maybe even sooner, until Boris is home.  
Theo hated waiting around the house alone worrying like a ridiculous housewife.   
He got himself dressed and pulled on his shoes and a jacket, pocketing Boris' spare house key, and stepped outside. He was glad it wasn't raining anymore because there was no way he was going to attempt to drive Boris' fancy car through such narrow streets. 

Theo found himself walking around the neighborhood and towards town, down streets with tiny cafes, bistros, and boutiques. He stepped into a small cafe on the corner of a busy street and grabbed a cup of tea to warm his hands.   
He walked around the neighborhood until he was back at the far end of Boris' street. A little after three o'clock. He started back towards the flat.  
  
Boris was still out when Theo got back to the flat. He frowned and kicked his shoes off, hanging his jacket by the door.   
He sat on the couch and turned on the TV, flipping through channels in search of something in English. When he didn't find anything, he looked through Boris' collection of DVD's and settled on an old film that he and Boris had watched at least a dozen times in Vegas.   
Theo fell asleep halfway through the film, the setting sun bringing the flat to a sleepy darkness.   
When he woke, the menu credits were playing for the film, and the flat was dark and quiet. 

"Boris?" Theo called out as he pushed himself off the couch. 

He grabbed his phone off the kitchen counter; after five, and no new messages.  
Theo walked back to the living room and towards the bedroom. 

"Boris?"

Instinctually, Theo's chest tightened with worry when he got no reply.   
He went back to the kitchen and forced himself to focus on making dinner. _Boris will be home soon, just make something easy like pasta. Just keep yourself occupied._  
Theo rummaged around the kitchen and found everything to make pasta.   
It was just after six by the time pasta was made and Boris still wasn't back. 

Theo grabbed his phone and opened a new message to Boris' personal number. 

**Hey. Will you be home soon?**

Theo grabbed the bottle of vodka from the cabinet and sat at the table with it, leaving the pasta warm on the stove.   
He took two large gulps of vodka to calm his nerves a bit.   
He had to force himself to set the bottle down. 

At 7:15, when he still hadn't heard from Boris, Theo sent him another text. 

**Hey. Are you ok? It's getting late**

Theo took the bottle of vodka and sat down on the couch so he could see the front door. _Don't worry yet. It's not that long after he said he'd be back_.   
Theo sipped at the vodka until he was comfortably tipsy and checked the time, just after eight. 

Theo's stomach flipped and he gulped down another two sips of vodka, cringing as his empty stomach lurched again. 

**Ok Boris sseriously where are you?? let me knoiw youre ok at least**

Theo let himself sink into the couch cushions and sip more vodka. His chest felt tight, like there wasn't enough air in the room for him to breathe.   
When it was almost nine, Theo really started to panic.   
He chugged a bit more vodka and paced back and forth across the living room, head spinning, stomach churning, chest tight, breathless as he tried not to cry. The last time he'd waited this long for someone to come home he was thirteen, and his mother had never come back. 

"Come on, Boris." Theo slurred as he pulled out his phone again. 

**Wer ar yio????**

Theo sat down on the couch and tucked his knees to his chest, struggling to breath as he imagined every reason why Boris wasn't home yet. He imagined him shot, bleeding out in the parking garage in Amsterdam. He imagined his SUV smashed and smoking from a fiery crash, Boris and Gyuri both gone. He imagined Boris drowned somewhere far from here, somewhere he couldn't even name. He imagined Boris' body under a mountain of rubble, smoke, and ash, priceless works of art smoldering around him. He imagined police officers coming to the door to give him bad news, and he found himself sobbing, clutching at the bottle of vodka like a safety blanket.   
He cried so hard his body physically ached. He forced himself off the couch and barely made it to the bathroom in time to vomit, his stomach heaving from a mix of retching and sobbing.

"Theo??" Boris' voice was close, sounding scared and concerned. "Theo?"

Theo felt a warm hand on his back, and then gentle fingers against his shoulder and in his hair. "Hey...Theo?"

When Theo stopped shaking and retching, he still had tears streaming down his face. He accepted the wad of toilet paper that Boris handed him and spit the awful taste from his mouth. 

"Theo? What happened?"

Theo turned to face Boris and sat down against the tub. "Are you fucking serious?"

Boris looked at him with confusion and concern in his eyes. "You are sick?"

"No, you fucking asshole. I'm drunk." Theo tried to push himself off the floor and stumbled hard.

Boris grabbed his arms to steady him but Theo shoved him off, knocking him against the counter. 

"What the fuck, Potter? Why you are so angry??"

"You're fucking late!"

Boris groaned. "You are serious?? чертовски смешно. You know it was work. You drank so much because I am late?"

"Because I was worried about you, you fucker!" Theo shoved him again. 

Boris dropped his arms and let Theo shove him again. "You were worried..?"

"Of course I was worried you fucking dick. God, Boris. You said four or five at latest and it's nine. You didn't let me know, you didn't answer my texts??? What was I supposed to think?"

"I didn't... I didn't think you'd worry."

Theo shoved him again, harder. "Fuck you! Of course I'd worry. Last time I waited this long for someone to come home, they never came!"  
Angry tears fell down Theo's cheeks and he shoved past Boris out into the hall.   
He went into the bedroom and shut the door behind him, leaving Boris in the hallway. 

Theo sat on the edge of the bed trying to catch his breath, rubbing at his face furiously. _So stupid. Boris is home, stop fucking crying._

"Potter?" Boris knocked on the door lightly. 

"Go away."

"Theo, come on."

Boris pushed the door open and walked into the bedroom when Theo didn't reply.   
He sat on the edge of the bed and put his arm around Theo, only to have him shove it off. 

"Hey." Boris' voice was surprisingly soft. "Is okay. I am sorry. But I am here now. Not hurt. Okay?"

"Fuck you."

Boris sighed. "Yeah. Theo, I am sorry okay?"

Theo, drunk and stubborn, turned his head away from Boris. "Fine."

"Potter. Come on. Do not stay mad at me, I am sorry."

"Fine."

Boris sighed and moved off the bed to undress. He stripped down to his boxers and pulled on a tee shirt before sitting down again, leaning back against the wall. 

"You will forgive me? Пожалуйста?"

Theo sighed and stood from the bed and undressed down to his boxers and walked to the side of the bed where Boris was sitting. 

"You forgive me?"

Theo glared at him, eyes red from crying. "Boris..."

"Potter. Please. Am sorry to make you worry. I will not worry you anymore. Will always text if I am late."

"Boris... I forgive you." his head hurt. Throwing up sobered him enough for semi-coherent thought, but his stomach hurt and eyes burned. 

"Good. Am glad. I did--"

"Boris." Theo cut him off. "I-- fuck. I can't."

"Can not what?" Boris frowned and sat forward, reaching out for Theo. 

Boris gripped his arm and he didn't pull away. "I can't do this. I-- can't worry like that every time you go to work. I don't even know what you do or where you go--- and I fucking love you, of course I worry. Even if you tell me not to."

"Potter... is just work. I do not worry when you are at work."

"That's because I fucking sell antiques!" Theo shouted. "It's not exactly dangerous. I don't bring a fucking gun to work."

Boris sighed. "I am sorry for making you worry. I said I would not again."

"I know. But... I'm going to worry anyway. I just got you back in my life, I can't worry about you fucking dying every time you go to work."

"Is not like that.." even Boris didn't sound convinced.

"Fuck off. It is like that. I can't do this, Boris." His voice cracked into a heavy sob as he whispered Boris' name.

"No. Potter... is not always dangerous, okay? пожалуйста, не делай этого."

"Boris..."

"Theo, ожалуйста, just come to bed." He grabbed both of Theo's wrists and pulled him close.

Theo let Boris pull him onto the bed beside him and wrap his arms tight around his waist.   
"пожалуйста, не уходи." Boris whispered against Theo's bare skin, kissing between his shoulder blades. 

Theo laid silently apart from heavy breaths and occasional sniffles as he let Boris hold him. He was exhausted from drinking, crying, and getting sick.   
Boris ran his hands up and down Theo's back comfortingly and kissed his shoulders in between whispering soft Russian that Theo couldn't make out. 

Boris' heart raced, his chest aching as he held Theo close to his body, brushing his fingers along his soft, clammy skin and through his tangled hair until he fell asleep.   
Once Theo was asleep, Boris carefully moved his arms from around Theo and climbed out of bed. He leaned down and placed a kiss to Theo's forehead before walking out to the living room. 

He frowned, wrecked with guilt as he eyed the nearly empty vodka bottle on the living room floor and the pot of untouched, cold pasta in the kitchen.   
He sighed and put the pasta in a container in the fridge before sitting at the kitchen table and drinking the last few sips of vodka. He lit a cigarette and cracked the window open. 

Boris crawled back into bed an hour later after smoking half a pack of cigarettes and turning off all the lights. Theo had his back to Boris, chest rising and falling steadily, asleep.   
Boris wrapped his arm around Theo's middle and kissed his back. 

"Am so sorry, Theo." he whispered against his chilly skin. "I love you."

Boris pulled the blankets up over both of them and laid awake in the darkness for hours, holding Theo close until he finally fell asleep.

  
Theo woke before Boris, his head throbbing and stomach churning as he watched the sky lighten. Boris' arm was wrapped tight around his waist.   
He laid there and watched the sun come up until he felt Boris stir behind him. 

"Potter?" Boris whispered, voice heavy with sleep.

"Yeah, I'm awake."

"You are okay?"

"Yeah."

Boris was silent for a minute and pressed his cheek against Theo's back. "Am really sorry, Theo."

"I know. It's fine."

"Is not fine. I did not mean to make you worry so much."

"It's fine, Boris. I just--" he sighed and leaned back into Boris' touch. --I freaked out. I'm sorry."

"Is understandable. I know better. I know what happened with your mom and I should not have made you worry."

"Boris..." Theo sighed as Boris held him tighter. 

"Can you still... not do this? You want to leave?" Boris' voice was barely a whisper. 

Theo was quiet for a minute. Boris felt like he was going to be sick. "No. I don't want to leave. I want to be with you."

"хвала Господу." Boris kissed his back again before Theo rolled over to face him. 

"Morning." Theo whispered.

"Morning, моя любовь." Boris leaned in slightly, letting Theo meet him half way for a kiss. 

  
Theo and Boris spent the rest of the day in bed together. Boris went to the kitchen and made them coffee and brunch and brought it all back to bed. They stayed in their boxers all day, going back and forth between kissing, having sex, and just laying with their limbs tangled together, talking about life.   
Boris ordered takeaway for dinner and brought it to bed for them to share. 

"I should probably start looking at flights back to New York." Theo mumbled between bites. 

"Why? You are leaving so soon??"

"I've been here a week, Boris."

"Yes, only a week. You cannot stay longer? Surely Mr. Hobie would not mind if you are here longer?"

"I'm sure Hobie wouldn't mind. But, I've got to help him with the shop..."

"Potter... do not go yet. At least stay for my birthday?"

Theo paused. "Your birthday?"

"Do not tell me you forgot, Potter." Boris poked his side, teasing him.

"Shit." Theo looked down at his lap. "I'm sorry. I know when it is, I didn't forget it, I promise. I just--- didn't think how soon it was."

"Is in two days."

"I know. December first. I remember." Theo nudged his knee against Boris'. "Of course I'll stay for your birthday."

Boris grinned and stole a bite of Theo's noodles. "Good. Is all I ask."

* * *

Theo woke up before Boris on the morning of December first. He rolled over and kissed Boris' forehead before climbing out of bed. He'd mentally been hitting himself the last two days for not realizing he'd be in Antwerp for Boris' birthday and not getting him anything. He planned on making the day perfect, spending as much time with Boris as he could before he went back to New York on the third.  
He pulled on a sweater and socks and walked out to the kitchen.   
  
He started the coffee pot, filled a pan with bacon and eggs, and popped four pieces of bread in the toaster.   
It was barely 7:30 by the time everything was ready. Theo carried the coffee mugs first, setting them on Boris' nightstand before going back to the kitchen for the two overfilled plates of breakfast food.   
He set them on the nightstand on his side of the bed and crawled back in beside Boris. 

"Boris?" Theo whispered, pressing soft kisses to his bare skin.

"Mm."

"Wake up."

Boris rolled over to face Theo, a scrunched smile on his face and eyes squinted open. "Morning, моя любовь."

"Good morning." Theo leaned in to kiss his lips. "с Днем рожденья."

Boris raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Thank you."

Theo grabbed their plates and placed one on Boris' lap once he'd sat up. 

"Thank you, Potter. Is best birthday already."

They spent the morning in bed together, talking and kissing. Theo pulled Boris out of bed around eleven and convinced him to get dressed.

"I don't really know much to do here..." Theo started while they got dressed.   
"I thought maybe we could go for a walk? Maybe stop somewhere for a beer?"

Boris smirked at him, biting his lip to hold back a laugh.

"Yeah, yeah. You can laugh. It's lame. I'm sorry. I just... I don't know. I thought it might be nice. To like... go out? Like as us."

"As us?" Boris brought his hand to his mouth to stifle a grin. 

"Oh fuck off. Yes. You know what I mean."

"Do I?"

"Boris..."

"Potter." He leaned his hip against the dresser and crossed his arms, grinning at Theo, whose face was turning a brilliant red.

"You're gonna make me say it?"

"Is my birthday. I would like that, yes."

Theo rolled his eyes. "Fine. Boris, will you go and for a walk and have a beer with me, in public, as...us?"

"You will have to be more specific, Potter. Us?"

"God, fuck you. Fine. Boris, will you go out on a fucking date with me for your birthday as my boyfriend? Happy?" Theo crossed his arms and looked down, kicking at one of Boris' socks sticking out from under the bed. 

Boris stayed quiet for a minute, cheeky smirk replaced by a soft, surprised smile. 

"Sorry." Theo mumbled, keeping his eyes down. 

Boris moved to stand in front of Theo and tucked his finger under his chin to tilt his head up, smiling at him with a toothy grin.

"Boris--"

Boris interrupted him by pressing their lips together. "So stupid. Do not apologize."  
He kissed him again. "You want me to be your boyfriend?"

"Or partner, or whatever word feels right. I know boyfriend is... a lot. But also not enough? I don't know."

"Potter." Boris laughed and kissed him again. "Theo. Would love to go on a fucking date with you for my birthday as your boyfriend, дружок, partner, person, whatever you want to call it. Is truly best birthday present I could ask for."

Theo nodded with a pleased smile. "Okay good."

Boris couldn't stop grinning. He poked Theo in the side and wrapped his arm around his waist. "So you are my boyfriend then?"

"God, Boris. Yeah." Theo rolled his eyes and shrugged. 

"Hey, I am your boyfriend and it is my birthday. You have to let me."

"Let you do what?"

"All of the things, Potter. Arm around waist? Check. Hold your hand? Check. Kiss you in public or feed you a fry?"

"You're gonna make me regret this."

"Fuck you, you love me. Let us go on a fucking date, boyfriend."

"I regret it."

Boris grinned and shoved Theo onto the bed before grabbing his jacket off the back of the closet door and heading towards the front door. 

* * *

Thankfully for Theo, Boris was not as obnoxious and flirty on the birthday date as he was in the bedroom earlier that morning. He did hold Theo's hand while they walked, and tucked their linked hands into his jacket pocket when their fingers felt numb from the cold. Theo was grateful that Boris didn't try and feed him anything while they were out. They shrugged their coats off when they got home later that afternoon and Boris pulled Theo into a hug. 

"Thank you. Was the most wonderful birthday."

"It's not over yet, it's only four."

"There is more?" Boris leaned back to look at him, keeping his arms around Theo's waist. 

"Nothing exciting planned. Maybe dinner and a movie?"

"Bit of a let down after being boyfriends out all day, but okay." 

"Fuck you." Theo laughed and shoved Boris onto the couch, sitting down beside him. "We're still boyfriends now, just at home."

Boris grinned. "Your home too?"

Theo sighed and nodded. "Yeah. Mine too."

* * *

"When will I see you again?" Theo asked again as Boris parked the car at the airport. 

Boris put the car in park and turned in his seat to face Theo. "Probably will not be too soon. You had many things to fix and figure out this last year, yes? Is my turn, now. Have some things that need, not fixing, but figuring out. We can still text, talk on phone, and I will come to New York and see you as soon as they are figured out, I promise."

Theo frowned and nodded. "Alright."

"Do not worry, Potter. Is just some work stuff that needs sorting."

"That does not make me feel any better." Theo laughed. "But just be careful, okay?"

"Of course, глупый." He lightly knocked Theo on the head. "Am always careful."

"You're full of shit." Theo smirked and hit his arm. 

"Maybe." Boris chuckled. "But I promise I will be careful."

"Thank you."

Boris leaned in and gave Theo a quick kiss. "I will miss you, Potter."

"I'll miss you too."

"You will text me when you land in New York?"

"You sound like a worried wife." Theo laughed. "But sure."

"Am always worried about you, Potter. Used to give me many reasons to be."

Theo looked down at his bag that was on the floor by his feet. "Sorry."

"Is okay. You are slightly more stable now." Boris joked and laughed at Theo's offended expression. "Am kidding! Kind of. But have no control over plane, so text when you land."

"Fine." Theo relented. He leaned in to pull Boris into a hug.

"Should probably go so you do not miss your plane, Potter." Boris whispered against his hair as he hugged him.

"Right." Theo pulled back.

"я люблю тебя." Boris leaned in and pressed their lips together.

"I love you too." Theo whispered against his lips.

"Okay. Do not miss flight, Potter. I will see you when I see you."

Theo nodded and grabbed his bag, climbing out of the car. "Bye Boris."  
He shut the door and waved as he walked towards the airport. 

"Bye Potter." Boris waved until he couldn't see Theo anymore before driving away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit longer chapter :)  
> Little bit domestic, little bit of them being the idiots they are. 
> 
> Translations
> 
> ради хуя. Заткнись--for fuck sake. shut up  
> да--yes  
> Блядь--fuck  
> чертовски смешно--fucking ridiculous  
> Пожалуйста--please  
> пожалуйста, не делай этого--please, don't do this  
> Пожалуйста--please  
> пожалуйста, не уходи--please don't go away  
> хвала Господу-- thank god  
> моя любовь-- my love  
> моя любовь--my love  
> с Днем рожденья--happy birthday  
> глупый--stupid  
> я люблю тебя--i love you


	12. December

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> || This year, although he was still lonely without Boris in New York, he felt better about his life than he had in years. ||
> 
> December. Theo is back in New York with Hobie. Pippa is staying in London with Everett for the holidays. And Boris is unavailable.

Theo had been back in New York for a few days, and even though he was glad to see Hobie again, it was strangely quiet and lonely without Boris bopping around the apartment. He and Boris had been texting back and forth throughout the last few days, texts coming in at all times of day with them both completely ignoring the time difference. Theo spent most of his days down in the workshop helping Hobie or reading the old copy of Wind, Sand, and Stars that Hobie had found for him at a second hand store and left on his bed to find when he returned from his trip.   
It was the tenth of December when Boris confirmed he wouldn't be able to make it to New York for Christmas. He warned Theo he probably wouldn't be available to talk for the next week or so, a work issue that he couldn't disclose details of, but that he'd call him as soon as he could. Even though they'd had eight years of it, and nearly another year after Amsterdam, Theo was not prepared for the radio silence. He'd grown so used to talking to Boris every day that the first day without a single text from him felt wrong. 

* * *

Theo threw himself into distraction after distraction to forget about the fact that Boris was unreachable, that he didn't know if he was safe or even alive. He spent nearly as many hours in the workshop as Hobie, attempted to make the two of them dinner every night, and stayed awake reading until his eyes couldn't stay open. He'd wake before the sun most days, smoke a cigarette on the front stoop in his warmest jacket, and head right back down to the workshop with mugs of coffee for himself and Hobie. 

"Theo?"

"Hm?" 

Hobie put his hand on Theo's shoulder as he meticulously focused on sanding down a piece of wood that Hobie needed for a back panel of a cabinet. 

"Are you doing alright?"

Theo looked up from his project. "Fine, yeah." 

Hobie didn't seem convinced. "You've been down here a lot more than usual the last few days. Just want to make sure everything's okay."

"Yeah." Theo nodded.

"And Boris? How's he? You two are good? You seemed to be talking a lot more since you got back."

Theo stayed silent, only nodding as he returned to sanding. 

"Theo."

He stilled his hand and turned to face Hobie, his face surely gave him away. Hobie put his hand on Theo's, guiding him to drop the sandpaper.   
"Come on. Let's go up for lunch. Take a bit of a break."

"Okay."  
Theo followed Hobie up the creaky stairs and sat at the kitchen table while Hobie put a pot of soup on the stove. 

"So." Hobie started, sitting down across from Theo. "Everything's good?"

"Mhm. Just, I don't know." Theo rubbed the back of his neck.

"Well, I don't want to pry. But you've been awfully quiet the last few days, not so attached to your phone.."

"Boris is working a lot I guess. Can't really talk much."

"Right." Hobie nodded. "You know, I'm glad you had a good time in Antwerp with him."  
Hobie stood and moved back to the stove to pour soup into bowls.   
"Did you want to invite him here for Christmas? I know it's only ten days away, but he's always welcome."

Theo frowned. "Thanks, Hobie. Really. He, uh, can't make it though. I mentioned it to him the other day, sorry I didn't ask."

"It's fine, Theo. You don't have to ask to have a friend visit. You're an adult."

"Right.. a friend." Theo swallowed hard and looked down at the bowl of soup Hobie had placed in front of him.   
"Hobie?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I talk to you about something?"

"Always here for you Theo, of course you can."

That was how Theo ended up confiding in Hobie about everything that had happened between him and Boris in the last decade. Once he started, he physically couldn't stop himself from telling Hobie everything. He felt an enormous weight off his shoulders the more he talked.   
  
They ended up spending the rest of the afternoon at the kitchen table while Theo told Hobie about Boris being his first and really only friend in Vegas. This scrawny, pale, dark haired boy with the strange accent who looked like the last place he belonged was the Nevada desert.  
He told him about their first real exchange: ' _Ha! Harry Potter.'--'Fuck you._ ', and how that had been the start of his greatest friendship.  
Leaving out the shop lifting and brushing over the drug use, he told Hobie of their nights together as practically orphaned teenagers, left on their own, and how that had strengthened their bond and left them nearly inseparable.  
He told him how Boris had literally and figuratively saved his life over and over again when he was at his lowest. He brushed over their drunken sexual encounters, letting Hobie put the pieces together himself when he told him of how Boris had kissed him on the curb before he slid into the cab to leave Vegas, and subsequently Boris, behind. He told Hobie how he almost said 'I love you' to Boris; that it was all he wanted to say, and regretted not saying for months following.  
  
Hobie already knew most of the details about the painting, how it had been lost and why, and why Theo and Boris had run away to Amsterdam so suddenly. He didn't need to know about Boris getting shot in the parking garage or the overdosing in the hotel room, but those events spilled from Theo's mouth all the same.   
His stomach ached at the shock and genuine concern on Hobie's face when he told him about Boris barely making it in time to the hotel room, forcing him to be sick, and dragging him out into the cold, literally saving his life and carrying him back into the world.   
He told Hobie about Boris taking care of him at his apartment, and their timid goodbye. He told him about Boris giving him his personal cell phone number as he left Antwerp a year ago, how he'd gone months without contacting him because he was scared, embarrassed, nervous, in denial. He told him about his time buying back the changelings, going out at night, coming to terms with things, always leaving out the details of his drunken, embarrassing sexual experiences. Everything leading up to finally calling Boris and telling him they needed to talk in person.

"And when I went to Antwerp to visit him a few weeks ago... I had to tell him."

Hobie let him continue. 

"I had to tell him that... I love him."

Hobie smiled at him knowingly and nodded. "And I'm guessing his response was a good one since you stayed so long?"

Theo nodded, his face giving away everything. "Yeah. It was a good response."

"So you miss him?"

"Yeah." Theo admitted softly. "I do."

He told Hobie about the day that Boris had to work while he was visiting and how he'd come home late, and how he'd over worried and gotten drunk and angry. How stupid he felt afterwards. 

"And now I don't know how he is or where he is. And I'm trying not to worry again."  
He frowned, stomach suddenly in self conscious knots.  
"I feel like an idiot; worrying so much. Like what is wrong with me, Hobie? I sound like such a fucking girl, whining that my boyfriend is gone too long. He's an adult, he can do what he wants. I can't tell him not to work a dangerous job. I sound ridiculous. It's fine."

"Theo." Hobie sighed and set his hand on top of Theo's.   
"You're only worried because you care. It's okay to care, and to miss him, and to be worried or scared. It doesn't make you any less of a man, and it doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. Boris is important to you. You would be upset if anything happened to him, and you love him? Of course you're worried. But you know, if Boris loves you back..? He'll do whatever he can to come home safe, and let you know as soon as he can."

"I know." Theo put his face in his hands. "But I just.. I just got him back. It makes me sick to think about losing him again."

Hobie put his arm around Theo's shoulder. "I know. But I have a feeling Boris is gonna be in your life for a long time to come."

"Thanks, Hobie."

"Of course." Hobie stood and filled the kettle with water for tea. "Alright, we've been here all afternoon. You ready for dinner?"

* * *

The next morning, Hobie and Theo sat in the living room with their coffee instead of going right down to the workshop. Hobie had suggested that Theo take a break from being down in the dark all day.   
Theo had begrudgingly agreed to spend the day out of the house. He figured he'd walk around the Village, maybe try and find that Polish restaurant that someone had recommended to him years ago to take Boris to next time he visited. After coffee with Hobie, Theo went back to his room to get dressed into something warmer. He called a quick goodbye down to Hobie in the workshop before stepping outside into the cold winter air. 

He spent the morning walking around the Village; grabbed a coffee and a muffin from a small shop on the corner that Hobie liked, and walked down street after street just wandering. He'd walked through this neighborhood dozens of times and the familiarity of it was oddly comforting. He found himself wishing that Boris was there with him.   
After an hour and a half of aimless wandering, Theo sat down on a freezing metal bench in front of a small bodega and pulled his phone from his coat pocket. 

**Hey**

Delete

**I wish you were here in New York with me**

Delete

**Hey. I miss you**

Send

By mid afternoon, Theo's feet were killing him from walking all morning. He'd managed to find the Polish restaurant and had lunch there. He decided he absolutely had to take Boris there next time he came to New York. He'd even sent Boris a picture of what he'd had for lunch, something with sausage that he couldn't pronounce but was warm and comforting and reminded him of Boris.   
On Theo's way back home he passed an old brick apartment building with a For Rent sign in a window on the second floor, and he found himself thinking about what it would be like to live in an apartment alone... or with Boris.   
He thought about it the whole way back.

Over dinner, Hobie remarked that Theo seemed to be in a better mood than he'd been in in days. 

"Yeah, I think you were right. Walking around the city was good for me."

"I'm glad. Not too cold, I hope. It's not supposed to snow again for a couple days."

"No, it was fine. I found that Polish restaurant I mentioned. I definitely want to take Boris there."

Hobie smiled. "Good. Have you heard from him?"

Theo could feel his shoulders slump slightly. "No. He probably doesn't even have his personal phone with him wherever he is."

"Well, I'm sure you'll hear something soon." Hobie said reassuringly.   
"Find any other gems besides the restaurant today?"

Theo thought back to the For Rent sign. "Maybe not a gem.. but uh, I saw something that got me thinking."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. Uh, about maybe getting my own apartment? Not that I don't love living here, I do. A lot. And I'm so grateful you've let me live here for so long. I couldn't have asked for a better place to be, Hobie, really. I just thought maybe.." he paused.

"Maybe if Boris came to New York it'd be good for you to have your own place?" Hobie prompted with a knowing smile. 

Theo's cheeks turned a warm pink. "Yeah. Something like that. I'd still be close. Like within a few blocks, you know? I love this area. And I'd want to be close to you and the shop."

"Of course, Theo. I think that's great. You're an adult, you're more than allowed to have your own place. No old folks checking in on you all the time." Hobie joked.

"That's not it. I love being here Hobie, honest."

"I know you do, Theo. Just a joke. I think it'd be great it you had your own place. I'm proud of you for making such a big decision."

"Thanks." Theo took a sip of his wine slowly. 

"So you said you saw something that made you think this? Find a place you're interested in?"

"Maybe. I think it's a bit too far to walk to the shop every day. I'd probably want to find something closer."

"Of course. Well I'm happy to help you out any way I can."

"Thanks, Hobie."

Hobie nodded, a small proud smile on his face. 

* * *

**Hey Boris**   
**I told Hobie about us.**   
**He wasn't surprised**

Delete

**Hey**   
**I told Hobie about us**

Send

**I'm going to look for a new apartment I think**

Send

Theo went to bed that night imagining what it would be like to live in his own apartment, imagining what it would be like to wake up to Boris lounging around the kitchen, making too-strong coffee and burnt toast every morning. He slept well for the first night since he'd been back in New York.

* * *

By the twentieth of December, Theo hadn't gone back down to the workshop in days. He'd been so busy looking for a potential apartment close to Hobie's, and then gone into full panic when he realized how close it was to Christmas and he'd done no shopping for presents.   
He managed to find gifts for Hobie and Pippa, but five days before Christmas he found himself wandering through town wracking his brain for what to get Boris. He wanted it to be personal, meaningful, something that Boris would appreciate. But it couldn't be too much. Even though they'd known each other for a decade, they'd only been what he would consider dating for a month, and he hadn't even seen Boris for half of it.   
He got home that night, tucked Hobie's present in the closet to wrap later, sat on the floor in his room and wrapped Pippa's present and tucked it in a shipping box to drop in the post the next day, and then sat on the edge of the bed, mind still blank on what to get Boris. 

**Haven't found anything I like that's close enough to the shop, so I'll be at Hobie's still til after the new year probably.**

**Any chance you'll make it to New York soon?**  
 **Probably not...**  
 **But I miss you.**  
 **I hope that's not weird.**

Theo grabbed his phone charger off his dresser when he saw them. Kitsey had been gracious enough to give his mother's earrings back when they'd called off their engagement; Theo knew she didn't really like them anyway, so he was glad to have them back. Tiny emeralds shimmered under the dim bedroom light. He set them on the center of the dresser to remember to grab them in the morning on his way out. 

**Goodnight Boris.**

* * *

It was cloudy and ice cold the next morning when Theo left the house. He'd had a quick coffee with Hobie, grabbed Pippa's package to mail and his mother's earrings, slipped on his heaviest coat, and stepped outside.   
The city was surprisingly busy and alive for how dim and cold it was; everyone out last-minute shopping, takeaway cups of steaming drinks in every passing hand.  
Theo dropped Pippa's package at the post before hopping on the subway to Brooklyn to see a jeweler that Hobie had recommended over coffee that morning.  
The entire subway ride to Brooklyn, Theo thought about Boris. This time last year, he was in Amsterdam. He'd seen Boris get shot, then been sent to the hotel alone, wrecked with worry for Boris and himself. This time last year he felt hopeless, paralyzed with fear and loneliness. This year, although he was still lonely without Boris in New York, he felt better about his life than he had in years. 

By the time Theo got home that evening, Hobie had dinner almost ready and two large cardboard boxes labeled _'Christmas'_ in the entry to the living room. 

"What's this?" Theo asked as he passed the boxes on his way back to the kitchen from dropping Boris' present in his room. 

"Christmas decorations. Haven't put them up since Pippa lived here, but I thought it might be nice this year." 

Theo smiled and started to set the table. "Yeah, that does sound nice. Thanks for the recommendation earlier by the way."

"You get Boris' present alright?"

"Yeah. Just need to wrap it."

"Still no word from him?" Hobie asked carefully as he started plating food.

"No." Theo sighed. 

Hobie put his hand on Theo's shoulder in his comforting parental way. "Soon. Come on, let's eat and then we can see what we can do with those decorations."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Theo making big boy decisions and taking steps towards a healthier life and admitting his feelings??? Yes please.


	13. Gas Station Gifts and Paper Crowns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Theo and Hobie spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day together in New York. The snow is falling, Christmas music is playing...

  
On Christmas Eve, Theo still hadn't heard from Boris. He laid in bed longer than usual, scrolling through all of the messages he'd sent Boris over the last two weeks and watching heavy snow fall out the window. Theo shivered and tugged the quilt up over his head before opening a new text to Boris.

**Happy Christmas Eve, Boris.**   
**I wish you were here.**   
**Hoping for a miracle to hear from you soon.**   
**I hope you're safe. I miss you.**

Theo laid under the covers for a while longer before forcing himself out of bed into the cold morning air. He tugged on a thick sweater and a warm pair of pants before grabbing Hobie's present from his closet and making his way to the living room. He tucked the package under the tree for later and shuffled into the kitchen where Hobie was making coffee in a surprisingly cheerful Christmas sweater. He had Christmas music playing from an old radio on the counter and two festive mugs that they'd found in the old Christmas boxes that used to be used every holiday by him and Welty.

"Morning, Hobie." Theo greeted him as he grabbed cream from the fridge and sat at the small dining table.

"Good morning, Theo. Happy Christmas Eve."

"You too." Theo thanked Hobie as he set a festive mug of steaming black coffee in front of him.

"Plans for the day?"

"Nope. Still haven't heard from Boris. So I'll be around here all day, if that's alright."

"Of course." Hobie grinned and sipped his coffee. "It'll be nice having a quiet Christmas just the two of us. Moira might stop by later for tea, and Pippa wants me to video call with her at some point... might need your help with that. I'm sure she'd love to see you too."

"Alright, sure." Theo nodded. "Did she say if she got the gift I sent? I might not have sent it in time to make it for Christmas."

"She didn't say, but you can ask later. Her packages got here yesterday. There's one for you too. And one for both of us apparently."

Theo didn't feel very cheerful or in the mood for any sort of holiday anything. He'd be glad to talk to Pippa, but he figured he'd probably excuse himself to his room later to avoid extra conversation when Moira dropped by. Not that he didn't enjoy her presence, but Theo had felt oddly lonely and disappointed since he woke with no word from Boris.

He and Hobie finished their coffee, and Hobie carried the little radio to the living room where they sat together on the couch. 

"We could watch some holiday movies if you want? I'm used to Pippa being here making a thought out plan for the whole day, so it's not a big deal if we don't do much of anything."

"Movies sound alright." Theo agreed. 

They spent most of the morning only half watching old classic Christmas movies like Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman that Hobie still had on VHS. They made another pot of coffee and some lunch mid day, and Theo offered to help Hobie set up the video call on his phone to Pippa.  
The two of them talked over FaceTime with Pippa and Everett for nearly an hour after lunch. Pippa and Everett had recently moved into a bigger apartment, they'd gotten a dog, and announced that they were engaged. Theo was glad, she looked happier than he'd ever seen her.   
Theo wished them a merry Christmas and let Hobie continue the call a while longer while he stepped into the living room. He turned on the old radio again and pulled out his own phone. No new messages.

Theo didn't realize how long he'd been sitting in the living room, staring out the front window at the falling snow, until Hobie came in and turned the radio down. 

"You alright, Theo?"

"Mm. Yeah, fine thanks."

"Have you uh, heard from Boris?"

"No." Theo pulled his knees up to his chest and leaned against the back of the couch.   
"It's been a year...since Amsterdam. Since everything. I don't know, I hoped he'd text or call or something."

"I know." Hobie sat beside him and put a hand on his knee.   
"I'm sure you'll hear from him soon."

Theo sighed and nodded. "Yeah. Maybe."

"Moira is coming over soon. Would you like to join us for tea?"

"I think I might pass today. I want to wish her a happy holiday, but I think I might get some reading done."

"Of course." Hobie nodded in understanding. "Well she'll be happy to see you briefly. Is there anything I can do for you? To, I don't know, distract you or cheer you up?"

"No thanks, Hobie. I appreciate it though."

"Alright, well I'm going to put the kettle on. You let me know if you need anything."

Theo nodded and pushed himself off the couch. He paced around the kitchen, keeping Hobie company until Moira arrived. He wished her a quick happy holiday and then disappeared back in his room.  
Theo pulled the small box that held Boris' Christmas present from the top drawer of his dresser and grabbed the mostly empty roll of wrapping paper that he'd borrowed from Hobie. He sat on the floor and wrapped the small box in the brown paper meticulously. When he tucked the wrapped gift back in the drawer, he stopped when he noticed the red flake tin. He grabbed it and pulled the lid open. His mind, a creature of habit, nagging him to just take one pill, do one line, _you miss Boris, who knows when you'll see him._

Theo grabbed the tin and walked to the bathroom before he had a chance to talk himself out of it and dumped the last four pills down the toilet and flushed it. He sat down on the closed lid and put his head in his hands. He needed a distraction of some sort.   
Theo grabbed his heavy winter jacket from the closet and walked back through the apartment. He said hello to Hobie and Moira, telling them he was just going for a walk, maybe running to the market and did they need anything?  
He tucked his wallet and keys in his pocket and headed outside.

  
It was below freezing, but the predicted snow hadn't started falling yet. Theo made two loops around the block before stopping into the bodega on the corner for a hot coffee and a pack of cigarettes. He walked another loop, hot coffee in one hand and fingers completely numb, barely grasping at the cigarette, on the other. He walked until the coffee was gone and then made his way back home. A light flurry had started by the time he reached the front steps, and he sat on the cold concrete to smoke one last cigarette before going inside.   
Moira passed Theo on her way out and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek as he stepped inside. 

"How was your walk?" Hobie asked as Theo passed through the kitchen. 

"Fine. Delmar's was open so I grabbed a coffee. It's starting to snow."

"Oh good. I was hoping we'd have a white Christmas." Hobie dried his hands off on the dish towel and turned to Theo.   
"Are you up for a movie? Maybe some wine?"

"Sure." Theo nodded.   
"I'll be there in a minute."

Theo went to his room and changed into something more comfortable. He sat on the edge of his bed and pulled out his phone. Still no messages from Boris.   
He sighed and set the phone on the nightstand to charge before going back to the living room. 

The opening credits to _It's a Wonderful Life_ were playing when Theo sat down on the couch in the dark living room. His heart ached immediately. He and Boris had watched _It's a Wonderful Life_ a stupid amount of times in Vegas because it was the only Christmas movie either of them owned. They'd watched it last year at Boris' flat in Antwerp, Theo sick and feverish in and out of sleep, occasionally feeling Boris' fingers combing through his hair when he was half conscious. 

Hobie came into the living room with two glasses of wine and sat on the other end of the couch.   
Theo drank his glass of wine too quickly and pulled the blanket off the back of the couch. He wrapped it around his shoulders and leaned against the arm of the couch. Hobie gave him a curious look and patted his knee comfortingly before pressing play on the movie.

Theo couldn't finish the movie. He apologized and excused himself when there was a little less than an hour left. He wished Hobie a Merry Christmas and said goodnight, barely waiting for a response before turning down the hall towards his room.   
Theo laid on his back in the dark for well over an hour, thinking about Boris and obsessively checking his phone, before he fell into a restless sleep. 

_"Merry Christmas."_

_Theo turned around to see two men walking towards him, guns aimed at his chest._   
_Boris stood beside him, his face pale._   
_The echo of the men's footsteps filled the parking garage._

_One of the men tried to pull the black briefcase from Boris' grasp. The painting._

_"Just give it to him Boris." Theo couldn't feel himself say anything, but it was his voice that spoke._

_Boris turned to him, eyes scared. "I can't."_

_"Why not?" Theo was panicking._

_Theo and Boris both had guns to their heads. Boris wouldn't let go of the painting._

_"Why not?!" Theo asked again._

_"Cannot lose you again." Boris' voice was quiet, nervous._

_"I'm right here."_

_"Potter--"_

_"I'm right here. I promise."_

_The blast of a bomb, or maybe the sound of both guns firing at once-- either way, Theo's ears rang furiously and he was falling. Falling for what felt like ages in a cloud of smoke. Then his ears stopped ringing and it was silent._

_"Potter?"_

_Theo could barely see in the dark._

_"Boris?"_

_"Am here, Potter. Right here."_

_"I can't see you."_

_A warm hand gripped Theo's hard._

_"Am right here."_

Theo woke with a start, his phone in a death grip in his hand. The bedroom was still dark and he was alone. He checked his phone. It was just after three a.m., no new messages. He pressed his face into the pillow and groaned.   
Theo got out of bed and pulled on his warmest clothes and winter jacket. He grabbed his cigarettes off the dresser and tucked his phone in his pocket before quietly moving through the house to the front door. He pulled on his shoes and stepped outside.  
The snow had started falling heavier in the night, an inch or two covered the ground. Theo stood tucked against the wall by the front door and pulled out the pack of cigarettes, he lit one and inhaled the smoke deep into his lungs to warm himself.   
The world was eerily silent except for his breathing, the snow muffling all sound. The street lights were hazy and golden and reflected off the snow, making the world seem brighter than it should be at three a.m.  
Theo finished his cigarette and started another before pulling his phone out. He kept the smoke tucked between his lips as he typed out a new message.

**Happy Christmas, Boris. x**   
**I love you**

He tucked his phone back into his coat and chain smoked another two cigarettes until his throat felt raw. The cold stung his face and numbed his fingers. Snowflakes clung to his hair and the shoulders of his coat. New York was beautiful in the dark and in the snow. Silent and still, something the city rarely was. And yet, incredibly, painfully lonely.   
Theo put his third cigarette out against the brick wall and brushed the snow out of his hair as he stepped back inside.   
He could hear the heat kick on as he snuck back down the hall.   
He opened the curtains in his room to watch the snow fall as he laid in bed.   
Theo fell asleep again shortly before five a.m., only to wake again at eight to the sound of Christmas music playing from the living room.

Theo woke in an awful mood. He'd been trying since he got home from Antwerp to act like he was decently happy around Hobie. Partly so he wouldn't worry and partly because he hated being in such a bad mood when Hobie was nothing but understanding and caring for him. But it was Christmas. A year after the Amsterdam fiasco, three weeks since he'd seen Boris, two weeks since he'd heard from him... and Theo was positively miserable. He hated the idea of getting out of bed, listening to cheerful holiday music all day, pretending to be in a festive mood. He didn't even much like the idea of the phone call to Pippa that he knew he and Hobie would make later.   
He was worried and angry and sad... and he missed Boris. And he hated feeling that way. 

Theo stayed under the covers for another half hour until he couldn't stand it anymore. The faint echo of Christmas music from Hobie's little radio and the smell of bacon being fried in the kitchen pulled him out of the blanket fortress he'd created. He pulled on sweatpants and a sweater and trudged through the hall to the living room.   
He could hear Hobie singing along to the Christmas songs in the kitchen, it was both endearing and painful because he was sure if Boris was here he'd be singing along, off key and louder than necessary, as well. 

"Morning." Theo mumbled as he stepped into the kitchen. He poured himself a cup of coffee and sat at the table. 

"Morning. Merry Christmas." Hobie smiled and plated breakfast for the both of them.  
"Sleep alright?"

_No_. "Fine, yeah. Merry Christmas."

Hobie seemed to be ignoring Theo's poor mood, maybe because he was doing a good job acting, or maybe because Hobie knew why he was in a bad mood and knew to not bring it up.

"Well, I was thinking after breakfast maybe we open gifts? I've got you something. And there's a box under the tree for you and one for both of us from Pip."

"Sure." Theo nodded and took another sip of coffee. 

"If you're up for it, I'm going to call Pippa and Everett around noon."

"Okay."

They ate the rest of their breakfast in silence, only the soft staticky radio humming 'Oh silent night' in the background.  
Eventually, Theo followed Hobie into the living room where the Christmas tree was twinkling. Hobie brought the radio with them and turned the volume down slightly.   
Hobie sat on the couch with a comfortable smile on his face and Theo sat on the floor by the coffee table, knees tucked to his chest.

"Should we open the one from Pips first?"

Theo shrugged. "Sure."

Hobie grabbed the box from Pippa that was addressed to both of them and handed it to Theo. "You want to do the honors?"

Theo took the box from Hobie's outstretched hand and started peeling the paper off.   
It was a box of little wrapped packages that looked like large candies.  
Theo handed the box back to Hobie.

"Christmas crackers!" Hobie laughed. "How nice."  
He pulled one out and handed it to Theo.   
"I think they're meant to be done Christmas Eve, but no one will know the difference. You crack them open and they've got little toys or something inside. Pippa mentioned that Everett has boxes of them every year."

"Oh." Theo looked at the Christmas cracker in his hands. 

"Just crack it open." Hobie cracked his own open and pulled out the contents: a rubber ball, a paper fortune, a piece of candy, and a colorful paper crown.

Theo cracked his own open and dumped it into his lap. A tiny plastic top was his toy, and the rest of the contents were similar to Hobie's. He looked up to see Hobie fitting the purple paper crown on his head. 

"You'll have to wear yours too, Theo, so I can send a picture to Pippa."

Theo grimaced and unfolded his green paper crown, tucking it over his messy hair.   
He looked up at Hobie with a forced smile and then turned back to the pile of presents under the tree to look for his gift for Hobie. 

He handed it to him and tucked his knees back to his chest.

Hobie carefully tore the paper off the box and his eyes sparkled in gratitude. "Thank you, Theo. This is wonderful."  
He'd gotten Hobie a bottle of his favorite, very expensive, vintage wine and a beautiful stationary set as Hobie and Pippa had taken to writing each other letters over the last year.   
"Thank you."

"Of course. I'm glad." Theo nodded. 

They opened the rest of the presents from Pippa and Everett, and a few small packages that Moira had left the day before, before Hobie stood from the couch.

"I've got your present down in the shop." He moved towards Theo and held his hand out to help him off the floor.   
"Couldn't carry it up here myself."

Theo followed Hobie down the creaky stairs to the workshop. It was colder than the living room, but cozy in its dimly lit beauty, a place that Theo had gotten very comfortable in over the last few years. 

"Just over here." Hobie led Theo through the mess of chairs and old lamps, pieces of mismatched woods and fabrics. 

"Merry Christmas, Theo." Hobie stopped in front of a breathtakingly beautiful antique wooden desk. It was practically glowing in the dim workshop light.  
"I figured you could put it in your new place when you move?"

"Hobie--" Theo stared at the desk with his mouth slightly open.

"Now it's not a genuine piece, I did some work on it. But I figure it'll still look alright."

"Hobie... it's amazing. Thank you." Theo turned and pulled Hobie into an unexpected hug.   
"I'm sorry. Sorry I've been in a shit mood all morning. It's Christmas. This is... this is so much Hobie. Thank you."

Hobie hugged him back just as tightly, rubbing his back as Theo clung to him in a way that was surprisingly vulnerable and childish.   
"Of course, Theo. It's alright. I know... you miss Boris?"

Theo just nodded into Hobie's shoulder. 

"It's alright."

"It's been longer than he said it'd be and I'm worried, Hobie."

"I know... I know." Hobie hugged him a bit tighter before pulling back.   
"Come on, it's alright. Let's go upstairs."

Theo nodded and followed Hobie back upstairs, stealing a glance back at his beautiful Christmas present.   
Somehow Hobie convinced Theo to sit and have some tea with him and grilled cheese for lunch. Theo talked a little bit, but he mostly listened to Hobie tell stories of Christmas when Pippa was younger. Eventually he asked Theo about the two Christmas he'd spent in Vegas. 

"It didn't even really feel like Christmas. No snow, ever. My dad and Xandra went to a hotel on the strip both years. Boris' dad wasn't home either, so it was just the two of us. My dad gave us each a bit of cash and a bunch of candy on Christmas Eve, and Xandra would bring us food from the bar she managed. But Boris and I would just get drunk and eat all the food Xandra had brought us and whatever candy we had. We'd stay up to midnight watching _It's a Wonderful Life_ on repeat because it was the only Christmas movie my dad owned on DVD. We'd stay up til early Christmas morning... and give each other whatever we ended up scrounging up as gifts."  
Theo laughed suddenly.   
"God, Boris gave the best and worst gifts. Literally everything we gifted each other came from the convenience store in town that we had to take the bus to. We always went together so nothing was ever a secret. But one year Boris got me a bottle of my favorite soda and a magnet that said "someone who loves me went to Los Vegas and all I got was this crappy magnet."   
He laughed again at the memory, his heart aching for Boris.   
"I think I got him something just as bad, to be fair. A king size candy bar and a jar of peanut butter? He ate the whole jar with a spoon in one day." 

Hobie smiled at him fondly, glad that Theo seemed to be a bit happier. 

"But yeah. Never really felt like Christmas. Just another day of the two of us alone, bar food, and crappy gas station gifts. Last year honestly felt more like Christmas..."  
Theo paused and frowned before continuing.   
"I told you... he saved my life. That was Christmas morning. Pulled me out of the hotel room, practically dragged me through the snow, and told me the painting was safe. We went back to his flat in Antwerp that afternoon... even watched _It's a Wonderful Life_ again. It was nice even though I was disgustingly sick."

Hobie got up and put the kettle on for tea, patting Theo's shoulder as he passed.   
"Are you feeling any better?"

"A bit, yeah. Thank you. It was nice...talking about all of that."

"Good." Hobie poured them each a cup of tea and they made their way back to the living room. They cleaned up the mess of wrapping paper on the floor and sat on the couch with their tea as Hobie's old radio played ' _I'll be home for Christmas_ '. 

A little before one p.m., there was a rapid knock on the front door.   
Theo looked up at Hobie. 

"Is Moira coming by again?"

"Not that I was aware of. Want me to get it?"

"No, I've got it." Theo set his mug on the coffee table and headed towards the door. It was snowing out still and a cold gust of wind hit him as he opened the door, right before a warm pair of arms enveloped him.

"Potter." Boris sighed heavily in longing and relief against Theo's neck as he held him tight against his chest.

"Boris--" Theo practically sobbed, clutching at Boris' jacket and pulling him as close as physically possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boris is back! A very good Christmas present indeed


	14. If You Close the Door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> || If you close the door, the night could last forever ||
> 
> Welcome to the last chapter of Neptune

"Potter." Boris smiled and curled his fingers into Theo's hair. He pulled back and looked at Theo, his cheeks pink from the cold. 

"I can't believe you're here." 

"Could not miss Christmas with you." Boris smiled and rubbed his thumb against Theo's jaw.  
"You told Mr. Hobie about us?"

Theo nodded. "Yeah."

Boris grinned and leaned in, pulling Theo in for a deep kiss.   
"Good." he whispered against his lips. "Can kiss you here now."

Theo laughed and didn't let go of Boris. "Come inside, it's freezing."

Boris held one arm tight around Theo's waist as they walked back to the living room. 

"Hobie?" Theo smiled as they walked into the room. 

Hobie's face lit up when he saw Boris' arm tight around Theo. "Boris. So good to see you again. Glad you made it."

"Is good to see you too, Mr. Hobie. Would not miss Christmas with Theo for anything."

Hobie gave Theo a small smirk that said ' _I told you so_ ' when Boris wasn't looking. Theo tucked his chin down into Boris' shoulder. 

"Can I get you some coffee or tea, Boris?" Hobie asked, standing from the couch.

"Am okay, thank you though." 

"I have a present for you." Theo pulled back from Boris' grip around his waist.  
"I'll be right back."

"Okay." Boris smiled and watched Theo head down the hall. 

"Have a seat." Hobie sat back down on the couch and gestured towards the open seat. 

"Thank you."

"I'm glad you made it. I think Theo was a bit worried he hadn't heard from you."

Boris looked down at his lap. "Yes. Am sorry to have made him worry. Was not my intention. Was a work thing I could not get out of and could not reply easily."

"He seems very happy you're here though." Hobie added, trying to make Boris feel less guilty. 

"Am happy to be here. I missed him."

Hobie smiled. "Do you have any plans for the day? You're welcome to stay here."

"Actually... if is okay, could I steal Theo away for the afternoon? I have big surprise for him."

"Of course." Hobie nodded. "We haven't got much planned anyway, just a lazy day."

Boris grinned and looked down the hall towards Theo's room, he hadn't come back yet.

"You can head back if you want. See if he's alright." Hobie commented when he saw Boris looking.

Boris stood from the couch and thanked Hobie before heading down the hall. Theo's bedroom door was cracked open and he could see Theo sitting on the end of the bed holding a small wrapped package.

"Potter?" Boris knocked lightly on the door and Theo looked up. 

"Hey. Sorry. I was coming back... I just, I kinda wanted to give it to you alone."

Boris smiled fondly and sat down on the bed beside him. "Is just us now?"

Theo bit his lip and handed Boris the little package.   
He watched as he carefully tore at the wrapping paper, revealing a small black box.

"Is engagement ring, Potter? Thought you were supposed to be on knees for that."

"Shut up." Theo nudged him hard. "It's not a ring."

"Mm okay, okay. Do not ruin surprise."

"Just fucking open it."

"Impatient, Potter. Am opening it." Boris opened the little black box, all sarcastic remarks forgotten.   
"Theo..."

Inside the box was two matching lapel pins, each with an emerald and small diamond.   
Theo sat quietly as he watched Boris take them out of the box. 

"These are your mom's earrings, yes?"

"They were, yeah."

"Potter... I love it. One is for you?"

"Yeah." Theo nodded. 

Boris turned one of the pins over in his hand fondly. "Is beautiful. Thank you."  
He pinned it to the lapel of his long, black coat excitedly. The emerald stood out beautifully against the black fabric.   
"Looks good?"

Theo nodded. "It's perfect."

"Put nice shirt on." Boris stood up and pulled Theo to the closet.   
"Come, put nice shirt and jacket on and we will put pin on you too."

Theo chuckled and grabbed a button down off a hanger. He pulled off his tee shirt, his face bright red as Boris watched him with a smirk on his face. 

"Missed this." Boris commented as he brushed his fingers against the bare skin of Theo's stomach as he tried to button the shirt. 

Theo shivered and his fingers fumbled with the buttons.   
Boris reached up and moved his hands and finished buttoning the shirt, letting his fingers linger at Theo's collar bones.   
He leaned down and pressed his lips at the base of Theo's throat, smiling against his skin as Theo sucked in a breath. 

"Jacket, Potter." Boris breathed against his skin. 

"You're--" Theo paused.   
"You're distracting me."

"Mm." Boris hummed and kissed Theo's cheek. "Sorry, I will stop."

"You don't have to."

"Nope. Potter, put on a jacket. We have things to do today."

"We do?"

"Yes. Am stealing you away for rest of the day. Mr. Hobie said is okay." He winked and grabbed Theo's long jacket from the closet, tossing it to him.

"Where are we going?"

"Is a surprise."

Theo pulled on his jacket. "Alright."

"Come here." Boris pulled Theo closer and tucked the second emerald pin into the lapel of his jacket.   
"There. Is perfect."

Theo smiled and looked down at his jacket. Boris kissed him softly and took his hand. 

"Come, Potter. We have surprise to get to."

"Okay." Theo agreed and gripped his hand tight as they walked back to the living room. 

"Are you two taking off?" Hobie asked, smiling as he watched them hand in hand. 

"I think so." Theo nodded. "Boris said he has some sort of surprise."

"Is good one, I promise." Boris winked at him before stepping closer to Hobie.   
"Theo is real master gift giver though." 

He showed Hobie the pin, even though he was sure he'd seen it already.   
"Is so beautiful, yes? Very special." Boris looked back at Theo.   
"Best gift, means so much from the best person in my life."

"Boris, stop." Theo put his hands on his face as his cheeks flushed a deep pink. 

Hobie laughed and patted Boris on the shoulder. "It looks good on you."

"Thank you, Mr. Hobie." Boris grinned. "We are off now. Big Christmas surprise to get to."

"Alright. Well it was good to see you again, Boris. You're welcome here any time."

"Thank you. Is very good to see you again too." Boris turned back to Theo and grabbed his hand.   
"Come on, Potter. Places to go and things to see."

Theo shook his head and laughed. "Okay. Lead the way. See you later, Hobie."

"See you. Merry Christmas." Hobie watched Boris pull Theo to the door with an amused grin on his face. 

"Happy Christmas, Mr. Hobie!" Boris called back.

Theo shut the door behind them as they stepped out into the snow. Boris gripped his hand and pulled him along down the sidewalk.

"What, no car?" Theo joked. 

"No. We are not going too far." Boris smirked.

"When did you get back to New York?" Theo asks suddenly.   
"You saw my messages I guess because you knew I'd told Hobie about us."

"I did see them, yes. Got to New York this morning. Had one thing to do then came straight to you." 

"Why didn't you text me? Let me know you were here?"

"Why text when I could show up at door and be surprise instead?" Boris grinned.

"That's fair." Theo laughed and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion as Boris turned down a street a few blocks away from Hobie's and started pulling Theo up the stairs of an old Brownstone apartment building.   
"Where are we going?"

"You will see, Potter. Patience."

Theo rolled his eyes but followed Boris inside. They stepped into the lift and Boris hit the button for the fourth floor. 

"Potter." Boris turned to face him.

"Boris?"

Boris huffed a laugh and shook his head. "You are so funny. Let me finish."

"Sorry."

"Potter. This is my Christmas surprise for you. Is hopefully something you will love."  
Boris pulled a small box from his jacket pocket, not wrapped, just Theo's name written across the top in Sharpie. 

The elevator stopped on the fourth floor, and the two of them stepped out into the hall. 

"Open before we continue." Boris nudged him. 

"Okay." Theo looked down at the box in his hands and pulled the lid off.   
Inside the small box sat a gold key with a plastic, brightly colored keychain attached.   
Theo pulled the key from the box and looked at the keychain closer. 

"Someone who loves me went to Los Vegas and all I got was this crappy keychain" was written in neon green letters over a faded image of the Vegas strip.

Theo barked out a loud laugh. "Boris, what the fuck is this?"

"They still sell these fucking things, is crazy." Boris chuckled. 

"Did you go to Vegas?"

"Had work nearby, stopped for this. But the key is the real present."

"You stopped-- you stopped in Vegas for a keychain?" Theo laughed nudged Boris' arm.   
"What is the key for?"

"Is for that door." Boris pointed at the door at the end of the hallway, apartment 412.

"What?" Theo looked at Boris, confused and mildly concerned. "What do you mean it's for that door?"

"Just go unlock door, Potter. Will explain then."  
Boris put his hand on the small of Theo's back and guided him down the hall.

"Boris. What is this?"

"Just unlocked door." Boris urged.

Theo turned the key in the lock and pushed the door open.   
The apartment inside was beautiful, open, and mostly empty. The walls were painted a soft ivory, except for a dark green accent wall. The far wall of the open concept kitchen was nothing but windows, and the floors were a warm hardwood.

"Boris--"

The only furniture in the apartment was a small antique table pushed against the wall with a record player on top. 

"You like it?" Boris asked softly. 

"It's-- Boris what--"

"You said in message you were looking for new place. Not too far from Mr. Hobie's. Is still in neighborhood! Only three blocks."

Theo turned to face Boris with wide eyes. "This apartment is for me?"

"Yes." Boris nodded. "Or for us, if you would like."

"What-- did you buy this place?"

Boris nodded. "Is perfect I thought. I hoped you would like it."

"I love it... Boris that's insane. What-- how did you even do this? You weren't even in New York."

"I told you I had read your messages." Boris tilted his head with a smile.   
"Was not safe to send message or call, but I read them all. Made me feel so good you missed me. Made me want to come back so much faster to see you."

"I-- I still don't understand. How did you buy this place?"

"I will not lie. Had Miriam do most of searching for right place. Told her it had to be close to Mr. Hobie for you, still in Village. Had to have old style. Character?"

"Yeah." Theo breathed out, looking around the open apartment. 

"Character, yes. Is two bedrooms. This was favorite of mine that Miriam sent links for. Was bit confusing doing all from so far away, but worth it. Came to New York early this morning, real estate agent very, very nice to meet on Christmas morning. Signed papers, got keys, came to get Potter so we see new house."

"You're insane." Theo looked at him in amused awe. "I love you. And this apartment is beautiful."

Boris' smile was blinding as he pulled Theo in for a hug. "Am so glad you like it! Just need to add your name to paperwork, then is both ours."

Theo grinned and stepped further into the room. "I can't believe this."

"Only thing I brought is table so you could decorate how you want."

"Boris--"

Boris grinned. "Did you think you would have apartment one day in New York with me?"

"No." Theo laughed. "Not at all. But I love it."

"Good. Am glad." Boris put his arm around Theo's waist. 

"Does--does this mean you're moving to New York?"

Boris tilted his head side to side. "Yes and no. Apartment is for us, yes. But so is the apartment in Antwerp. Is also your home, Potter."  
Boris continued. "I want us to live here, but also there. Half year maybe? Or whenever we want."

"That sounds perfect."

"Good." Boris bit at his lip and continued.   
"Is one other thing."

"What is it?"

"I do not like to worry you. When I am gone, you know. I have almost lost you so many times, Theo. Cannot bare to do that again."

"You won't." Theo's voice was soft. 

"No, I won't." Boris agreed.   
"Am not quitting my job, I like what I do. But I am going to try and not be gone for so long at a time. No more than week away, and have hired someone to take my role if job is too dangerous. Do not want to lose you, and do not want to risk you losing me..."

"Boris--" Theo wiped at his face awkwardly where his eyes had gotten teary. 

"Am 'settling down', yes?" Boris laughed and pulled Theo into a deep kiss. 

Theo smiled into the kiss, and he gripped Boris' waist and pulled him as close as he could. "Thank you."

"I love you." Boris replied easily. 

"Love you too, Boris."

Boris pulled back and kissed Theo's cheek before walking to the table and slipping a record onto the vinyl player. 

"Close the door, Potter."

Theo laughed and nudged the front door shut with his boot. 

"Come here."

Theo stepped into Boris' waiting arms and they slowly stepped and swayed as The Velvet Underground filled every crevice of their new apartment. 

"Happy Christmas, Potter."

"Happy Christmas, Boris."

They swayed through the whole album, until the winter sun began to set, and Boris whisper sang the words of a familiar song in Theo's ear as he held him tight against his chest. 

"If you close the door.... the night could last forever."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!   
> I hope you all enjoyed "Neptune".  
> I'll have another story starting soon! :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading the first chapter of "Neptune"  
> I'm really excited to keep writing about these chaotic boys


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